"BUT IF YOU'RE CRYING, YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS GONNA MAKE YOU SMILE"

I honestly thought, you wouldn't talk to me after me not replying to your messages. I was rude, I know. But I couldn't help myself because I didn't know what to say, and I didn't feel like trying. 

But today, I woke up to the non stop vibration from my phone because of your ultra long wa messages (probably the longest text I've ever received in 3years). 

And I'm sorry, for again, not really responding to you even though I could feel how genuine you were. I really wanted to tell you what's happening, everything. But I couldn't, I was tired, and though I did try and make an effort to express how thankful I was/am, I lost all words the moment I was about to type something. 

I just don't know what to say.

And still, you didn't give up fighting for me to let me know how much you love me and you went on Facebook to remind me how things will get better. 

Y'knw what, you actually did make me feel better :) 

I was at work today and my boss said "oh I'm finally getting my Charman back" and I really felt a whole lot better today. 

There's so much I want to express to you and I really want to tell you what's wrong. I want to tell Evan what's wrong, but I can't. Because nobody will understand and I'm tired of trying to explain myself to other people to be disappointed because nobody understands. -But today, I found someone who did and because she understood me and was able to help me "translate" everything I've been feeling and string them into sentences, I'm now able to articulate my thoughts better.

The past 2 weeks were crazy. There was so much I wanted to express but I couldn't do it at all. It's like I lost my ability to communicate my feelings. Everytime I try to express myself, I just lose my ability to find the right words. And each time when I wanted to tweet or even text you/Evan, I look at my keypad with so much in my head but I just don't know how to put them down into words so I ended up deleting whatever I've typed on twitter and in my message to you. 

I'm sorry I took so long to give you a proper reply. This took me the whole of today. It's just so hard now cause 2 weeks ago I was crying every single day for a week and I didn't know what's wrong with me. I was just tired and really disappointed. 2 weeks ago, I felt like I can no longer do this anymore. 2 weeks ago, it felt like if I am ever going to be disappointed again, my heart would break and I would die. 2 weeks ago, I decided to shut everybody out. Including the ones I really really love, the ones whom I once said I never want to lose, the ones who are really important to me. You, Evan and Joshua. And together with that, I somehow lost the ability to express my feelings. And I somehow didn't know how or what to feel anymore.

But I am grateful. Because you fought for me and tried to pull me back even when everyone else decided to give up on me because I didn't feel like helping myself, because I didn't reply them. You kept to your end of the promise and you put down your pride and do whatever you can to get me back. To remind me that you love me and you care for me no matter how much I try to push you away. And because of that, I decided I should make an effort to pick myself up too. 

I'm sorry I have this habit of disappearing and shutting people out but it's because I needed to know if my absence would actually make a difference to the people who are important to me. So many people left me so easily, they made me feel like I never did. And I don't know how to care about people without taking on all their problems. I don't know how not to attach myself to people. And I don't know what's wrong with me, or if the problem really lies with me; why, everyone whom I've ever loved, left me at one point or another. My friend told me that maybe it wasn't my love or me but the quality of people I'm loving. But I couldn't believe it. Because it felt like everyone found a reason to leave me. And I'm sorry I have this bad habit of bashing myself up when things goes wrong even though sometimes it isn't my fault. 

I love you so much and I once I recover from this, pick myself up and find myself again, I promise to give you all the life you deserve, and the times when you don't deserve. Because you deserve all the love in the world. 

And because you loved me when I made myself unlovable.

THINGS I WANTED TO TELL YOU BUT I DIDN'T, CAUSE I COULDN'T

I'm sorry for being rude. I'm sorry for not replying messages but I did what I did only because you mean so much to me.

You know how I always like to say "if I leave first then at least I wouldn't be left"? You/ and you guys mean too much to me and I want to keep the current "impression" I have of you and that means to leave things be so that none of you would ever have the chance to do anything to hurt me. 

I got so attached to things and people that whenever they leave me, parts of me got destroyed that I don't even know who I am anymore. 

I couldn't help it and I made myself doubt every single thing you said, even though I should be trusting you. I have NEVER EVER once doubted you before. But all if a sudden, I just felt like I should. That all these time when you told me I was important, how much you loved me and how much you never want to lose me, were all lies. 

I didn't feel like replying you. Because I wanted to shut you out of my life. I didn't even want to reply you or even, know what to reply you. Because on one hand I was doubting you and on the other, I felt sorry and really bad for doing this to you. 

And I'm sorry. I honestly was prepared for what was going to happen when I decided I should shut you out. And it's true, when you cut people out of your life, you end up wounding yourself too. But I still wanted to do it because it was the only way to get myself back. Because for once, I felt like I was in control. It has always been people leaving me and I couldn't understand why when all I've ever did was to give them whatever I can and love them in whatever way I know and even after putting me through so much hurt and disappointments, I never left them and I couldn't understand why they did that to me. This time, I made the choice to leave and it was really comforting. Because for once, people didn't get to choose, whether to leave me or not. I did before they could. 

And in sorry the victim was you.

WHY SHOULD I FIGHT WHEN I DON'T WANT TO WIN

SAVING MYSELF

But right now, shutting them out; those whom I love seems to be the only way for me now. It's the only way I know that can help me save myself.

It's not that nobody loves you but that you don't feel it because you don't think you deserve it

"Do you realize what you're doing here is that you intentionally push people away and make them see just how weak and loser-ish you are and when they leave you, go "I told you so, nobody loves me" when in actual fact, you are the one who's been forcing them to leave because you think they will leave you eventually anyway. Why do you always see the best in people but not yourself? Why did you let them empty you out? You got to protect yourself and not let them hurt you so much and you do that not by shutting people out. You got to come to terms with the fact that you will always be the one who gives more in a relationship and if you can't come to terms with that and keep expecting your friends to do the same then you'll be in for disappointments. So you either learn to accept it or stop doing it." -Bran

"You make people love you and when they are about to love you more, you pull away, build this wall and stop replying their messages. You know what makes you unlovable Charman? Is that you make people not want to love you because you think that they only love you when they've got something to gain" -Joanne

THE PROCESS OF DESTROYING MYSELF

I realized I'm so quiet and accepting of the load I'm carrying that I forget that it is not my own. 

I no longer want to be there for anyone because the people I've always been "there" for, were never there for me. And I'm so tired of being disappointed and being hurt that I can no longer be disappointed or hurt.

I'm unwilling to make any effort to make a friendship/relationship work.

I refuse to eat because I feel tired knowing that I'll be getting gastric later. 

And I gave up in having hope. 

-

I just want someone to come and talk sense into me.

I just want someone to come and inspire/motivate me.

I just want to leave.

I never thought I'll ever say this but I really just want to leave.

GOOD BYE BLACKBERRY

Happy Mothers' Day everyone!! You have exactly 2 more hours to tell your mum how much you love her before Mothers' Day is officially over! -That is if I post this right now but no, I'm going to continue blogging. 

Was supposed to have lunch with Josh together with Joanne and Dg today but because Josh is very bad with his time management (like always), I ended up having lunch with just Joanne and Dg while waiting for Josh. 

Then, I met Josh after he arrived for lunch (again, thanks to him) at Namnam. After which, he accompanied me to get my mothers' day present for my mum and we headed over to Douby Ghaut for me to surprise Yanting. 

Josh wanted to take the train because it was really hot but I insisted that we walk to 190 bus stop to take the bus which made more sense to me because if we take the mrt from City Hall we still have to change line and everything?! And I managed to persuade him to take the bus in the end *throws confetti*

But as we were walking to the bus stop I realized it was really quite hot???? When we finally reached the bus stop, and I saw that Josh was looking elsewhere, I decided to secretly take out my water bottle to drink water so that he wouldn't "catch me" because afterall, it was MY idea to walk to the bus stop. 

Me: *looks at him to make sure he's looking elsewhere while trying to take out my water bottle*

Me: *drinks water*

Josh: *turns around while I was drinking water*

Me: *turns around quickly before spitting water at his face and spat on the floor* 

Lol

Went over to plaza sg to get yanting her super super belated birthday present and off to find her at work; using my intuition. 

After which, Josh and I cabbed down to the National Museum which was actually only walking distance but the Prince didn't want to walk again 

Took 190 down to meet my parents, and managed to meet them without contacting them because my phone died. "What kind of vague world do you live in" says Josh after I told him I managed to meet my parents in the end (he didn't think it was possible for me to meet them with my sense of intuition and after I rejected his offer to lend me his phone)

Dinner w my family + grandparents after that to celebrate Mothers' Day! ^^ 

Then, my parents decided to go and get me a new phone at 9pm because they couldn't take it anymore. "It" as in me not contacting them and relying on my intuition and all the other none sense lol. 

And 30 mins ago, I was going up and down the carpark because I couldn't find my nano sim and was desperately searching for it. I honestly thought I lost it but I ended up finding the tiny thing stucked onto my varsity jacket. Hehe lucky me. 

I feel really blessed and happy today :) from finally having someone going to the museum with me to having dinner with my grandparents and to getting an iPhone and being able to find my nano sim. Why am I so blessed :') 

I wish everyday would be a new adventure like today.

Work tomorrow so, toodles! 

SUNDAY BRUNCH

Attended service on Friday after work instead of Sunday so I had time to explore a small part of the East side with my 2 friends :) Met John Lim and Minjiang on Sunday (late) morning and headed to Kovan for Lola's Cafe before heading back home to sleep. lol.

Also, Minjiang got me addicted to the game 2048 after he lent me his phone to try playing the game. I was napping in the afternoon and I kept dreaming of the shifting boxes with numbers in it?!?!?!

Work on Monday , stayed home the whole of labour day lazing in bed and back to work today.

I haz boring life.

Went to cine to check something out after work today and I bumped into Dustin and Isaiah! >:O

So funny that I'm always bumping into them outside of class hahah.

Thank you for taking time out from studying to talk to me. Thank you for giving me a  new vision when I was complaining tonight that I couldn't see.