"BUT IF YOU'RE CRYING, YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS GONNA MAKE YOU SMILE"

I honestly thought, you wouldn't talk to me after me not replying to your messages. I was rude, I know. But I couldn't help myself because I didn't know what to say, and I didn't feel like trying. 

But today, I woke up to the non stop vibration from my phone because of your ultra long wa messages (probably the longest text I've ever received in 3years). 

And I'm sorry, for again, not really responding to you even though I could feel how genuine you were. I really wanted to tell you what's happening, everything. But I couldn't, I was tired, and though I did try and make an effort to express how thankful I was/am, I lost all words the moment I was about to type something. 

I just don't know what to say.

And still, you didn't give up fighting for me to let me know how much you love me and you went on Facebook to remind me how things will get better. 

Y'knw what, you actually did make me feel better :) 

I was at work today and my boss said "oh I'm finally getting my Charman back" and I really felt a whole lot better today. 

There's so much I want to express to you and I really want to tell you what's wrong. I want to tell Evan what's wrong, but I can't. Because nobody will understand and I'm tired of trying to explain myself to other people to be disappointed because nobody understands. -But today, I found someone who did and because she understood me and was able to help me "translate" everything I've been feeling and string them into sentences, I'm now able to articulate my thoughts better.

The past 2 weeks were crazy. There was so much I wanted to express but I couldn't do it at all. It's like I lost my ability to communicate my feelings. Everytime I try to express myself, I just lose my ability to find the right words. And each time when I wanted to tweet or even text you/Evan, I look at my keypad with so much in my head but I just don't know how to put them down into words so I ended up deleting whatever I've typed on twitter and in my message to you. 

I'm sorry I took so long to give you a proper reply. This took me the whole of today. It's just so hard now cause 2 weeks ago I was crying every single day for a week and I didn't know what's wrong with me. I was just tired and really disappointed. 2 weeks ago, I felt like I can no longer do this anymore. 2 weeks ago, it felt like if I am ever going to be disappointed again, my heart would break and I would die. 2 weeks ago, I decided to shut everybody out. Including the ones I really really love, the ones whom I once said I never want to lose, the ones who are really important to me. You, Evan and Joshua. And together with that, I somehow lost the ability to express my feelings. And I somehow didn't know how or what to feel anymore.

But I am grateful. Because you fought for me and tried to pull me back even when everyone else decided to give up on me because I didn't feel like helping myself, because I didn't reply them. You kept to your end of the promise and you put down your pride and do whatever you can to get me back. To remind me that you love me and you care for me no matter how much I try to push you away. And because of that, I decided I should make an effort to pick myself up too. 

I'm sorry I have this habit of disappearing and shutting people out but it's because I needed to know if my absence would actually make a difference to the people who are important to me. So many people left me so easily, they made me feel like I never did. And I don't know how to care about people without taking on all their problems. I don't know how not to attach myself to people. And I don't know what's wrong with me, or if the problem really lies with me; why, everyone whom I've ever loved, left me at one point or another. My friend told me that maybe it wasn't my love or me but the quality of people I'm loving. But I couldn't believe it. Because it felt like everyone found a reason to leave me. And I'm sorry I have this bad habit of bashing myself up when things goes wrong even though sometimes it isn't my fault. 

I love you so much and I once I recover from this, pick myself up and find myself again, I promise to give you all the life you deserve, and the times when you don't deserve. Because you deserve all the love in the world. 

And because you loved me when I made myself unlovable.