I remember it all.

I remember the first time we talked and how we just clicked really well.
Then I also remember the second time we talked and how I didn't believe you and thought you were playing tricks on me when it wasn't you but your friends who were trying to fool me.
I remember the first time I met you later on and the first word you spoke to me in reality.
I remember what my friend told me after seeing you talking to me.
I remember how you were always texting me and making sure I was happy.
I remember how I broke your heart when I said mean things to you because I didn't want you to continue liking me.
I remember the first time you came down specially to find me. I was crying and I left you alone. You weren't angry and instead you waited patiently till I was ready to go home.
I remember the other times we started to meet and I still remember the big wide smile you had when I gave you a stick of the giant pokey.
I remember how you pulled me back before I left and gave me a peck on my cheek.
I remember how you used to bring your hoodie out because you knew I would ask for it.
I remember how you started to win my heart and how I thought from then onwards, no one would ever hurt me.
I remember how you would go home and then come out again just to see me for even a few minutes.
I remember what everyone around me said about you and how I ignored it and because of that, I lost a few.
I remember how you gained my trust and I told myself that because of you, I wouldn't worry about not being happy.

And that was when I placed all my happiness on you.

Remember when I said I was looking for my happiness?
Well, I thought it was you.

I remember that very day after getting home tired from practice and getting a call from 2 different people who were important to me.
I remember how I told off the first one after hearing what he said to me and told him I trusted you.
Then I received a second phone call and I remember how for the first time in a very long while, how I felt the ache in my heart.
I remember the very next text you sent me that after.

I remember how things became worse.
I remember how everything in my life made a really bad turn.
I remember my friends leaving me and even, all coming up to confront me at the same time. I never thought it would happen and it hurt damn bad. Yet, when I wanted to look for you to talk to, I remembered that you have also hurt me too. I really had no one to talk to. I felt so alone.

I remember the ache in my heart and how I forced myself to wake up every morning to go to school.
I remember how I cried in school everyday and how my classmates would all sing to me and try to cheer me up. (Though things were pretty bad, I was a little glad that it happened though. Because that was the first step I took to get to open up to my sec3 classmates better)

I remember how I started to lose weight. And how all the teachers started spreading rumors and having discussion about me having "depression".
I remember how lifeless I was and how the teachers would call me to their desk for a talk.

I remember what you said when someone told you about me.
I remember what your friend shouted to you as I was about to walk out of school. Did it hurt? Oh yes,

Then I remember those of my friends who came back to help me up.
I remember how they would always joke with me and bring me out to cheer me up.
I remember how things got a little better later and how I decided to move on.

I remember the effort I'd put in to make myself to put away the hurt and pretend like it didn't hurt at all.
I remember you talking to me again.
and again.
and again.
I remember how I let you back in knowing damn well you would hurt me again but I lied to myself that you wouldn't.
I remember how badly I wanted myself to believe that you were still the same person.
I remember people calling me stupid, calling me dumb and I remember arguing with my friends.
I remember how I lied and told myself that I was going to hurt you to make up for everything as an excuse to myself for trying to get back together with you.
But I knew damn well I was lying to myself. I couldn't hurt you. I loved you too much to be able to do that to you.
So I remember how I tried my best to be better for you.
I remember how I did things which I would actually never do.
I remember how I tried making an effort and how unloved and disappointed I felt after each time you were nonchalant to my actions.

I remember how in between you broke my heart several times again.
How insecure you made me feel.
I remember how I cried and how I would try to pay attention to your Facebook and tweets to see if you've slept, taken your meals and tried to be there.

I remember how we parted again and how I was expecting anyway but was still depressed.
Still, I loved you and tried to be there for you.
I remember how you would then come and talk to me once in awhile, saying things you probably shouldn't and how you stirred my heart each and every time.

I remember every single thing, the butterflies in my tummy, the funny times, the annoying moments, the happy times, the sad times, I remember the hurt, the ache and the stabbing pain.
I remember how you would wear me out.

I remember every single thing.

But I want to be done with it.
I want to remember to forget.

Because you're not coming back and even if you do, you're not the same, things are not the same and when you come to me it would only be because you're lonely and not because you love me.
So never tell me you miss me again because you don't mean it.
Don't tell me you're sorry because you only feel nothing but a brief moment of guilt.

So how does it feel to know that a part of me still loves you and that I'm not fully over you?

It won't be anymore.
Because I want this to be done with.