LEARNING TO LET THINGS GO

I think this is something God has been wanting me to learn since young, when I've turn 18 last year and before I turn a year older. And this is something I'm gonna have to learn all my life.

When a child is born, his hands are rounded, in a fist. Because as a child, all we want is to be given things. And as a child, even before we can speak a word, the first thing we would learn to do is the grab the fingers of our parents.


Guess that is why, as we grow older, it forms into a habit. To take, to have, to grab.


I always get very attached to things and have this difficulty of letting go. And everyone does have one thing or a few that they too, are attached to. However, mine isn't just a sentimental toy I had from young or just a lover who moved on. I was (and still am) attached to everything I was given/have received.

I can't recall the number of times I cried and kicked up a fuss when something from me was taken away. The oldest and first memory I have of having something I was/am very attached to taken away was in Pri2.

I remember forging my mum's signature because my teacher wrote something really stupid on my journal and wanted my parents to sign on it. "Charman hasn't been submitting her homework for weeks" damn, I still don't do homework and I can't even be bothered if my teachers called up my parents to inform them about it when I'm in secondary school. (Of course they didn't. I said IF) no one forces me to do homework. But at that point of time, I was only pri2. And that stupid remark my teacher wrote on my student diary scared me to death. I was so afraid of my parents finding out so I forged my mum's signature.

God knows what kind of psychic eye power my teacher has, she knew right away that it was a forged signature and wrote on my student diary "Charman has forged your signature" and told me to have my parents sign it again. This time I did. Not only did I get canned, my mum flew into a rage and had me throw away my bolster. We all have that one bolster since young that we are attached to. The smell, the softness of the bolster and how we need it to be able to sleep.

That was the first time I couldn't sleep. I remember going to the kitchen alone at 2am in the night to retrieve my bolster from the bin and then hiding it in my cupboard. (Ew right). Next morning, my mum checked the bin and made me "surrender" my bolster and threw it into the garbage bin outside my house. I cried the whole day and couldn't sleep for weeks.

When I was in pri6, before my PSLE, all of my 3 hamsters died. Hamper the dad, Ham Ham the mum and Hampis the baby. All on the same day. I remember it was Saturday morning and I was up to go for my chinese tuition. I remember seeing Ham ham chase after Hampis and later, biting her to death. All I needed to do was to get hampis out of the cage and she could have survived. But I had to rush out for tuition and my parents didn't allow me to put my hand in, fearing that Hamham would bite me. Well, I saw the baby get bitten to death. And right after when I came back, Hamper just laid at the side of the cage and died. Out of grieve? I got no idea. Next was Hamham who kept running on the trackmill. I remember my mum telling me when I got back to check on my hamster. "The mummy has been running on the trackmill for hours since the baby died. She's gonna die soon if she continues" and she did. Heart attack? And she was probably running on the trackmill non stop out of guilt.
I cried for 3 months. Then I swore never to get a pet ever again. How do people even get over things? How do people get over deaths? I will probably never understand because I still cry each time I think of them. They were the reason why I looked forward to going home each they after school. They were my only "toy" I played with when I'm home alone.

Moving on, sec2. The first time I ever lost a loved one. My great grandma. Though I only see her once a year and have never been brought up/taken cared of by her, there was still this ache. Something I don't have much to talk about nor do I want to talk/think about. But I found myself secretly thanking God that it wasn't someone else from my family he took away instead. And I hope he gives me more time and gives my family members more time.

In sec3, I lost a group of friends whom were really important to me. I cried for months. I also lost a guy whom from strangers, we became friends, someone I started learning to trust. I cried for days and took 3yrs to get over it. I lost a soft toy monkey which I loved a lot and cried for 3 days.

Throughout the 18 years, going 19 years of my life, I've been put into circumstances and situations which forces me to learn to let go.

Many times, I got upset with God.
Why does he even give me things since he is going to take it away from me later?

And I think I finally learnt.
That because as a child, all we want to do is to grab hold of things. And because he loves us and that's why he gives.
But why then did he take it away from us?
And I guess it's because God is prying open our hands and taking away something we've held onto more tightly than Him.

Because only when we know the emptiness of losing something, then will we know the fullness of him.

How many times do we remind others and ourselves that "nothing lasts forever" to find us wallowing in self pity, blaming God, being angry when situations if life forces us to let things go?

And as I turn a year older, this is what I'm going to try and learn. To not be too attached to things and know how to let things go.

Be committed but never attached.

I don't know if I'll ever learn how not to be attached to things. I don't know if I'll ever know how to let things go.

But this I know, that life is about letting go.

Let go of past hurts, let go of things you've lost, let go of your loved ones who are gone, let go of your grudges, let go of your anger and resentment.

Appreciate, cherish, enjoy, be committed. But never be attached.

When a baby is born, his hands are clenched in a fist. As a child we don't know better and all we want is to grab everything. To gain, to have, to hold.
But when a person dies, his hands are opened. Because he finally understood that at the end of life, we can take nothing with us.
So learn to let things go. 


Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!