I was in Minjiang's car on my way to fetch a friend from Pasir Ris MRT on Thursday night when I received a message from my friend that got me really really excited.
I was so super happy I couldn't even really express how proud of/happy for my friend (except for Minjiang and Yanting who were in the car with me, they could see how happy I really really was because I kept smiling and was really excited so much that I wanted to scream).
But after the initial excitement and once the thought really settled down, I started feeling really sad.
10mins after I returned to the chalet, Dickson skyped Theo and passed the phone to me to say hello. I started crying immediately. (Don't know why it's always so coincidental that she talks to me whenever I'm trying to hold in my tears and once I see her talking to me I would start crying)
"Who's gonna be there for me in future?"
"Who am I going to go to the next time I really want someone to talk to."
"Oh... So we won't be able to meet for months or maybe years till either one of us fly over to meet each other"
"Will I lose him/her as a best friend because now it's going to take more effort to keep the friendship going and one of us might just feel lazy"
"Yup, he/she might just find another best friend and forget about me"
were thoughts I had right after the thoughts started to settle in.
I can't help but feel emotional all over again as I type these out.
I was really sad because all my best friends are leaving/left me to study overseas. I feel so happy for each and everyone of them that they are able to pursue what they want to do. But at the same time, I can't help to be selfish and a part of me really wanted them to stay. But no, I shouldn't think that.
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Anyway, not the point of this post.
For the past few days, I've been feeling a little "bothered"? If I may use the word because I can't think of any other word.
You know the feeling you get when your good/best friend shares a good news about him/her to you and you feel GENUINELY happy for them till some time later you can't help but think of yourself and why is the good news not happening to you?
Or sometimes I would think, "what am I really doing with my life?"
Don't get me wrong. Of course I still feel happy for my friends whenever they tell me good news.
Not faking it. And I've
NEVER wished that instead of it happening to them, it would happen to me.
I sometimes just wish that it could happen to both of us together.
But all those thoughts wouldn't last for a long time.
Maybe just a few minutes or hours and I would get over it and then I would start feeling happy for my friends again.
Except for this time
(I am of course, still happy for my friend!)
It's just that this time, the news didn't go away even after a day, two days to be exact. (And maybe still counting...)
Then I finally figured why it was still bothering me.
It was because, unlike all my friends who shared with me their good news, about being given scholarships, about being able to go to university and study to become a vet, about them being able to study business and stuffs like that... It all wasn't something in which I cared about (for myself).
But to be a lawyer, was something which I once (and maybe secretly still) wanted for myself too…
(and that's the reason why I love Jodi Picoult's book because most her story would progress to being in a courtroom)
Some of you might go "lol. You can meh?"
No I can't…. Because people told me that I will never be and I started to believe in it. And that's why along the way, I decided to give this dream up.
See people, the thing is,
words do kill.
It was in P4 when I discovered this occupation called "lawyer" and then in P5 when I decided that I just might want to be one when I grow up. But I didn't know what I had to do then, -lol hell, I didn't even know what I was doing in school.
As I went on into secondary school, I decided that I should work hard. I was so full of confidence, I would tell my dad daily that one day, I would become a lawyer. But each time I say that, my dad's reply would be "To be a lawyer you have to at least be a degree holder. I think you cannot make it"
Here's the thing about things being said to you. When it's being said over and over again, and once it's being said enough, you might just believe in it.
And I did.
No, I don't blame my dad. I blame myself for not being smart enough to turn away and tell someone else who's more encouraging them him. I blame myself for not being strong enough to not let his words get me.
So slowly, I stopped putting in the same amount of effort I've first put in because I thought that since I couldn't be a lawyer, I won't have to study as hard. (Also because of some other personal reasons and yes, I blame my own laziness as well).
I gave up on that dream and started looking for another occupation that would be more suitable for me as I grew older. But I realized, God doesn't just let it end there.
(here's where I start to get a little more "holy" lol)
I feel like God does stuffs like this on purpose.
You wanted to be a doctor, you didn't work hard enough for it and he allows someone whom you know, to be given the chance to be someone you wanted to be to "wake" you up.
Sometimes, I feel like God does this to make us reflect on ourselves. He "rubs" it in our face because that's the only way in which would really start to open our eyes and really see.
That it isn't because we are unable to do what we want to do but because we don't put in enough effort to make it work. That it is because we are so focused in comparing our "end product" instead of comparing our "behind the scenes" with others.
Don't listen to negative voices, don't dwell on things that you can't do but instead, focus on what you can do. Because if you're not going to work hard towards your dreams, someone you know will one day, become someone you wanted to be and do what you wanted to do. And remind you of how much you wanted to be who they are now.
And it might just be too late to regret.
Don't allow anyone to tell you what you cannot do.
Show them what you can do.
Because "regret", is really not a nice feeling to feel.
