Updates: My first few days of the holiday

A very warm hello to whoever the hell who is still reading my blog ThatHasBeenDeadForSoLongIWonderwhoStillReadsIt.

 I finally found some time (since it's now my hols -no excuses) to update it!!

This semester has been crazy for me with so many things to do and so much of "not-used-to" because well, I've simply never had so much to do before/I just don't do them (in Secondary School). But you see, yours truly; which is I, Charman, is a changed person. So now, I do. I've been very coped up with never ending assignments and rushing out my CV/portfolio for this first half of the semester.

My first test of the sem ended just on 12th of December which is a Thursday and then on Friday I had a mock interview for my upcoming internship....

Which the stupid irresponsible school made me wait 1hrs 3mins for.

Still, here's a happy pic of myself while waiting for the interview because my long awaited hols is finally here!! (I waited 8 weeks for it okay!!)

After which, I headed down to JEM for awhile to get some stuffs then met Eugene and Nais to go to Holland for dinner @ Yoshimaru Ramen Bar.

Love the eggs, didn't really enjoy the ramen and the soup base.

Udders after that for dessert and chilled to 12am before we finally decided to go home.

(Also because I became quite moody and was whining about being tired/wanting to go home)

Work on Saturday and was pretty excited because Joanne and I were exchanging presents!!

Christmas presents for me and birthday + Christmas present for her! 

Here's what I got! 

And obviously, I couldn't resist not getting myself a charm so I got one for myself the next day (Sunday)! 

I also influenced her into liking pandora and now, both of us have it!! HAHAH

 Here's us doing the "Pandora Shake" LOL

(Mine isn't really much of a shake action but aiya, must look nice in photo what. lol)

On Monday, I went for a little shopping for our overseas trip with my fam!

Love family time the mostttt.

Met up with John Lim and Minjiang on Tues and went to East Coast Park for dinner part1! LOL. 

Super love the food there esp the Char Siew noodles?!?!?!?

Since everyone said I've matured quite a fair bit (I think so too!!), I asked Minjiang to let me do the dumb mental age test to see if I really did!

The last time I did the test, which was 2yrs ago, I got 12yrs old -_- 

And the test result showed that I did become more mature!!!!!

:D

:D

:D

Damn happy ok!!!!!

I matured by 3yrs... -_-

FML.

Thought I'll have my schedule freed up once the hols start but I was wrong. It's almost about the same?!?!?! Plus, I still have to wake up early and sleep late!!!! URGH. But well, at least I don't have to go to school so I guess that's one thing to be happy about?

Also, I just passed my FTT! YAY!

One more step towards getting my license!

(Which I think would take me a long time because I only go for my practical lessons like once every 2 weeks?!?! And because I've been busy for the past few weeks + going overseas soon, I'll be stopping my practical for 2 months! LOL ZOMG)

Before I end this post, here's a photo of me I took while I was in school a week back 

I'll be flying off to Bali tomorrow and then 2 days after I come back I'll be flying of again to Bkk.

Have a great holiday guys!!

Let's all commemorate this day,

the day when I buy my first bottled sweet drink in 7yrs 

I don't like/drink bottled sweet drinks.

LOL

Always been told jokingly to sit at the boot of the car or on the floor of the car if there's not enough space in the car. 

But jokes, sometimes, do come true.

zzz

Mad about shoes 2

OMGGGGG. I've been holding myself back for pretty long this year and I can't do it anymore! As soon as I saw that left foot updated their facebook with a new photo of their new pair of New Balance in store, I started to have this overwhelming urge to get to town tomorrow to get it. 

Here's the pair.

However, I've never really been a fan of New Balance and I do find it kinda too "mainstream" now that everyone has it so it stopped me from getting this pair I really wanted so much the other time round. 

This time, I really need a pair of new shoes URGENTLY and I can't decide which!! I chanced upon these pairs of nikes some time back and I really love them as well!! However, I couldn't find them anywhere!!!!

 URGH! I can't decide!! I want to get them asap!! LIKE TOMORROW!!

):

Wish I could get them all.

UPDATE (14/13): I couldn't wait and I went to get one of the shoes today

Living In The Moment

Please. Let's all start living in the moment. Keep memories instead of keeping pictures. 

Put your phone down.

The "You deserve better" losers

There are 3 parts to a sincere apology.
First is saying "I'm sorry", promising that you won't do it again and then asking yourself what you can do to make things better/make up for your mistake.

However, it's kinda sad to know that all everyone knows about an apology is just saying "I'm sorry".
There's no point in apologising if you're going to make the same mistakes and hurt the people you've apologised to again.

But what's worse is when people apologise for hurting you just to leave.

I feel absolutely disgusted whenever someone apologises and then carries on saying "you deserve better so I'm gonna leave" blahblahblah.

And I got that from 2 of the people I once loved dearly yesterday.

Why do I call them losers?
Because people who use the line "You deserve better" are people who just don't want to give what's "better" to you.

So after saying "sorry" and instead of picking up the pieces, trying to make things better, they go on saying "you deserve better"/ "this is for the best" and leave. And they say that in such a nice deceiving way when in reality, it really means "I'm in the wrong but I'm a lousy human being so instead of trying to make it up to you, I'm going to run away because it's easier"

Really dislike the "you deserve better" idiots. Don't comfort your conscience by lying to me that you're only letting me go cuz you love me.

I'm so sick of this shit. I've got enough on my plate. I can't think properly and my mind is so clouded. I'm so done with this. I'm really so tired of forgiving people just so they can hurt me again.

I'm so sick of giving chances when all people do is to take advantage of them. And when it's time they should pick the mess up and make up, they choose to walk away because they don't wanna try, they don't wanna put in the effort to fight for me like how I've fought for them.

Why am I always the one fighting for people.
And people who claim that I "deserve better" never ever fought for me. This is bullshit. It really is.

I'm always the one left behind to pick up the pieces. I'm really tired.

And it's okay if no one fights for me cause this time, I'm going to fight for myself.


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You either take advantage or be taken advantage of

My best friend once told me this 

"If you depend on others for your own happiness, you're in for a world of disappointment after disappointment."

How true this is...

I have always placed my friends above everything else in my life. Always.

And thought maybe just like how I've placed them above everything else, it'll be the same for them or I'll at least be one of their priority or something. 

But growing up especially during the past (almost) 2 years, I realized all those silly quotes about friendship are just plain bullshit. 

Friends are NOT always there for you and WILL NOT do anything they can in their power to help you up when you're down.

Friends like to make all kinds of promises like "Cheer up, I'm always here for you"

But just how many times have you felt like you've got no one to go to/there's no one there for you when you're down?

"I'm always here for you" doesn't always mean that way. Very often, when that promise/statement is made, it is made under underlying terms like:

1) If I'm not lazy to send you a text

2) If I am not sad myself

3) If I can be bothered enough. etc.

And it all comes down to one thing: CONVENIENCE.

I said this years ago,

True friends aren't friends who are there just because it's convenient.

True friends are friends who are there even when it's inconvenient.

True friends are friends who would be there for you when you're crying over a breakup etc at 4am.

They are the ones who would rush down to where you are when you're so upset, you can't seem to get up. They are the ones who would take time out just to accompany you because they know you're afraid of being alone. They're the ones who would be there, even when being there doesn't exactly profit them  and isn't convenient at all. 

But sadly, these are just MY opinion of what true friends are.

And I realized more often than not, friends are only "true friends" when it is convenient for them to do so. 

They only send you a cheer up text because they have their phone on hand and have nothing to attend to. They only ask you out because they have spare time and have nothing much to do. They are only there because they need you.

Just how often have we come across people who would send us a message to tell us to cheer up, telling us that they will be here for us then for the next few days, weeks or months, we wouldn't hear from them?

I mean, if they're truly here for you and care for you, wouldn't they check on you daily till they are sure you are okay? 

They don't do that because it is too much effort, they have no time and it is inconvenient. 

Despite all that, we often force ourselves to get over it and forgive. 

Because as much as we dislike how "fake"/insincere our "true friends" can be, we need them.

 So, how long should we hold on?

How nice should we be till it's alright for us not to be nice anymore?

I used to act like a total bitch in the past. And I've changed. Here's proof.

If you were to ask me if I've ever regretted becoming nice, my answer would be yes.

Because when you're mean and very much like a bitch, you have a heart of stone and you don't feel much; For anyone or anything. You wouldn't let anyone take advantage of you. People usually, wouldn't dare disappoint you. Basically, you hardly lose out at all.

And being nice, people just take advantage of you A LOT.

I don't even wish to elaborate because the list would be never ending. You're just someone that people like to take advantage of. PERIOD

So then, why did I change?

Because, PEOPLE.

I became nice because people were first nice to me when I was at the lowest point of my life.

And sad to say,
It's usually only when people have gone through "suffering" then will they start to become nice. Because they know how it feels like to be disappointed, betrayed, criticized etc.

What am I really saying?
I'm asking for you, not to stop being nice.

WHAT!!?!?!?
DID YOU READ IT CLEAR?
YES, I ASKED FOR YOU NEVER TO STOP BEING NICE

Evan once asked me what's the good of being nice. All you get is to be taken advantage of. And I couldn't think of an answer why should she continue being nice. So I told her, to be nice because she's the person that people think of when problem arises.
What a stupid answer!?!?!


But at the bottom of my heart, I so much want to say, because it was her being nice that kinda make me want to be nice. It was how she always listened to my problems and the little things she did for me that made me feel a lot better when I'm down and that's why, I told myself I wanted to be nice too. Because just like how I felt she was my "hero" the only one I can go to with all my problems without her judging me, I wanted to be the same for others too.

Your actions do influence others.

So don't stop being nice.
If not, how would people people know what kindness can actually do for them?
How would they know kindness if you don't show it to them first?

But kindness is not meekness.
You can be kind, yet strong.

So how long should you hold on?
You should stop holding on when you feel things aren't worth it anymore.

Things will always depreciate in value. You buy a watch and use it, it loses it's value. But once the watch starts getting moldy and instead of helping you tell time, it starts giving you infection/skin problems on your wrist, it's time to throw it and get a new one.

Just like friendships, once people start taking advantage of you, pulling you down, once they start to become the negative energy in your life, it's time to put them down.

You'll NEVER get out of the same cycle if you continue staying in it.

Sometimes we forget that the way to remove ourselves from the same old cycle or a certain situation is simply just to get out and let go.

And I'm not asking you to cut them off.
What I'm saying is to stop holding on to them so tightly as before like better ones won't come at all.

This is,
 self-respect.

Don't use your time thinking about people/on people who aren't worth it at all. Stop sulking because of them, let go and get out. Be there for them, be kind to them, but don't waste your time on them.
The most precious thing you can give to people is your time. And if they are not giving you their time, don't give it to them at all.


You either take advantage or be taken advantage of.

But you can also choose not to believe in neither.
Because kindness is not meekness and if you understand this, you'll be the winner of it all.

PACMAN RETURNS

Currently in class now and I'm so bored because I don't understand a single shit my faci is talking about.
But well, here's to congratulate myself for being able to get through the second week of school!! 7 more straight weeks to go ):


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WHEN YOU BREAK ME, YOU ALSO MAKE ME

I crossed my heart and hoped to die.

Your words hurt me as much as your actions have killed me.

But I might have already died a thousand times.

You do it again and again, no thought spared for me.

You once told me to be a strong girl. But inside I am hurting. I'm not as strong as what you seem to see. On my way home I recall, the things everyone who have hurt me used to tell me "I would never hurt you" they said, but that was never the case. 

But it's okay.

I swear I'll be okay.

Because don't forget, when you break me, you also make me.

SAID HELLO TO RISK ANOTHER GOOD BYE

We all yearn for what we've lost, forgetting that sometimes letting go would do us good.

The process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. But I've been through this so many times, I've been made stronger. Just gotta remind myself that I'm stronger and I can get through it again.

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Dear you,

#1

The one I've never said sorry to:

Remember me telling you, to give me some time, for me to dig deep down to find a little courage of mine? And I never did find the courage. Not then, not now. And I've never told you why I needed myself to be brave. Even if it's just going out with you, being with you and hanging out with your friends. I've always wondered how it's like to give someone everything you've got and have them find out that it wasn't what they wanted/hoped for and yet, still have to thank you all the same. That was what I was afraid of. -Not being more than enough. I didn't just want to be just enough for you. I wanted to be more than that. Then, at least I wouldn't be afraid of losing you and it'll be the other way; you being afraid of losing me. When I first knew you, you were the "Mr Popular" together with your friends. The trio. And I knew many seniors who had a crush on you. This you may not know, that there were occasions when a senior would come up to me and mock me, tell me how I wasn't good enough for you and they all, every single one of them left me feeling really inferior. So I didn't want you to come any closer. Though I did like you, I didn't want you to know me better. In case you realized that I wasn't good enough for you after all. But little did I know, that by being such a coward, my actions would actually hurt you. Till years later, I was enlightened of my actions by your friend. I didn't mean to ignore your existence when I'm with my friends, I didn't mean to push that chocolate you gave to me out of your hand and I didn't mean to say those nasty things after I've made you upset to my friends. I just thought if I "leave" you first by pretending not to care so much, at least I wouldn't be left, y'knw? I just wanted to appear like you didn't mean much to me, just like how I thought I didn't mean much to you. But like the many times you've told me before, "you THOUGHT". Guess I thought wrongly again. Yet, even after those many times I've hurt you, you still gave in to me and apologized, even at the end. This is for all the times you've given in to me even though I should be the one apologizing to you, this is for all the apologies I've never said. I'm sorry.

 #2

The one I wish I've replied to:

I've never really liked talking about you nor liked hearing your name mentioned after what has happened between us. Not because I disliked you but because I was really upset and am still kinda upset with how our friendship ended. Faithful is being loyal and steadfast. But why did you waver? Because of a message not replied? Or did you waver because you didn't think I was faithful too? I won't lie to you but there's just so much unhappiness and anger within me because of the reason you gave me and because you gave me no second chances at all to get our friendship back. Yet, at the same time though I'm angry, I can't bring myself to dislike you nor can I bring myself to forget about you because you were my faithful friend. You were there behind the scenes when I was down and upset. You were there for me when I was "bullied". There's so much you did for me and I can't comprehend why you decided to give up on our friendship. I just wish you would explain to me why. I want to know the reason. I miss you so much, I wish to know how's your life, I wish to be there when you're down just like how you've been there for me too. And it sucks, that the only way I can find out about how you're doing is through your tweets retweeted by people I follow. I'm sorry I didn't reply you. It wasn't on purpose and I've yet to kick that bad habit of mine still. But I just wish that you didn't cut me off like that. And I wish you'll give me a second chance.

#3
The friend I once knew:
I miss you calling my chinese name. I miss you singing to me the chinese song urging me to make a certain decision I refused to make. I miss going into the room to tell you how I wished I wasn't hurt by the same guy over and over and have you giving me your usual negative yet funny answers. I miss fighting over the big bear with you. I miss how you would always come into the office trying to fight for my seat not knowing that I actually care less for the stupid seat and would give it up to you. I miss how on days you would come and volunteer to help me get my work done. I miss how you would care for me in all the little ways that I can pick up from our conversations. I miss how you can make my day just with the stupid ":D" of yours. And I thought you should know even if I've never told you before, that I do think you're sometimes kinda cool/cute. I've said this so many times, I really do miss you. I kinda expected us to become distant once you moved on in life. I just never really believed we would. Everyone knows how you're like and expected this from you and they all reminded me that this isn't first day I know you so I should have known better. But it is possible to be hurt by something even though you've expected it to happen; no matter how much you think you were ready for it. And I was disappointed when it did. I wished you came and talk to me earlier so that we would stay friends longer and have spent more time together. You've read my blog, you knew you meant quite a big deal to me, I just wished you'd also know how much you would hurt me when you decided to leave and maybe that would stop you from leaving? I don't know. Or maybe you decided to forget about me because I am not "cool" for you. But here's one thing I know; that I won't mind having history repeat, going back to the past and have my heart broken by the same guy again just so we'll be friends again and you'll be there for me to make me feel okay.


#4
The one whom I've never really appreciated:
lol. Whao. I do miss you but I never expected that I would actually write a post to say how much I do. But yes, I do miss you and I've been tweeting about it once in a while. I was reading my older posts a long time back after you decided to mysteriously disappear from my life and I realized that you've actually played a huge part in helping me move on, making me smile/laugh when things weren't okay, being there for me to keep me from thinking about the one who broke my heart. You should have only always seen me as a friend and at least I wouldn't have pushed you away, distant myself from you and become mean to you. I'm just sorry I was really mean to you and insensitive. I wonder if you still read my blog. Well, cut the long story short, I want to fight more wars and conquer more countries with you, I want you back. Can I command you in the position of SSGT to come back?


#5
My big brother:
I don't think you get what I was trying to say when you wished me on my birthday this year. I suck at opening up and speaking up when it's things related to my feelings, you should know that. I wasn't trying to pick a fight with you even though I was upset. Just the night before, I was thinking about how much I actually mean to certain people in my life and obviously, you know how important you were and (I would tell you now,) still are to me. And you once told me I was important to you too. I wonder if it's the same still. I want to believe I am. Yet, it's apparent that you've found more important people in your life and thus, stopped contacting me. You told me that it's because I'm not your priority and I agree, of course you should spend more time and effort on the somebody. But then again, I see you spending time with other people even though they are not the somebody who's your priority. You once said this to me "Your life is so complicated that you don't even want to share with me anymore!" NO. Says who. I want to share with you. I want to. So now let me direct the question back to you, do you? You're the only one whom I would answer your phone call or even make a phone call just to chat. You're one of the very few who were able to get me to open up. You've even saw me cry in front of you. It was an oversight on my part. That I've trusted you and your words so much to never think about a day when you would decide to stop contacting me. It sucks that I now have to always think twice before going to you to ask for advises. It sucks that we're not that close anymore for me to call you whenever I can't sleep at night. It sucks that you're no longer the one I can go to when someone hurt me/breaks my heart. Because you broke mine. Urgh. There's so much I want to tell you but at the same time, there's so much holding me back because of where we are now. I miss shouting your full name when you piss me off/annoy me. It sucks so much not to have you around. I miss you big brother.


#6
The one I thought I'll be tired of talking about by now:
After so many times of mentioning your name in the past conversations and all those times when you lead me into writing one emotional post after another; I thought by now I've already rid you from my bones. And honestly, I do, feel kinda sick of bringing your name up or anything related to you. However, there are things in which I've never told you because you've always been cutting me off, never wanting to hear me out and so, I thought since I'm already doing this post, why not just spill out my thoughts and things I've never said to you but wish I did as well. So here it is, thank you for all the times you've talked sense into me, for sometimes "appearing" when I'm feeling down and for all your nagging towards me in the past whenever I don't take good care of myself! And if it ever crossed your mind to whether I've ever h8ed (lol. cuz hate is such a weird/strong word to use, I've never used it before) you or not, I never did :) Though you did make me extremely sad, disappointed, pissed and upset before to the extend whereby I wished I could hurt you back just as much as you've hurt me. But when you love someone, you don't want to hurt them and it hurts you to hurt them no matter how much they deserved to be hurt. Instead, I did all kinds of dumb things, things which I would never do. Things like going all the way down to your void deck and not daring to go up to your place. I did love you and I still love you. Just in different ways. And I really hope you'll cut down or better yet, quit smoking. And also, find a really good girlf who loves you the way you wanted to be loved by spending time with you, being there for you, being there to motivate you whenever you feel like giving up, buy you food when you're too busy and one who's able to cheer you up!


#7
The one who asked me to explain why you love me:
I still do not have the answer. I wish I could explain why I almost loved you too.


xx

NOT LOOKING FORWARD

School is starting in less than a week time and I'm already dreading it so much.

lol. It's no surprise anyway cuz I've been repeating "I don't like poly"/ "poly sucks" ever since I entered poly.

But really, I think the only time when I genuinely enjoyed myself in poly was in Year1Sem2.

I miss laughing till I literally rofl.

It was so much fun during that sem and for the very first time I actually looked forward to going to classes everyday in poly.

And how I especially look forward to Wednesday classes, walking out halfway in the middle of the class to go out and have our sex conversation LOL.

I also miss sitting beside my Retarded Jasmine a lot.

Man, I honestly wished we didn't have to change classes every semester or worst, every day.

It was only in Year1Sem1 (Likhock, Natalie, Jeevan, etc) and esp Sem2 where I actually found people whom were genuine. 

And though I did enjoy Y2S1's modules, it was kinda tough and having people from my Y1S2 class being in the same class as me made my days a lot bearable. People like Syirah, Hasif, Phoebe, Sareeta, Ryan and also a few other friends like Lavania, Weishan, Farah, Jed and Jayden.

And not forgetting the girls who always met up with me for lunch. Isabel, Steff, Sam and Wenting.

Our timetable is so different next semester, I don't even think we'll be able to have lunch together anymore :/ 

Don't wanna jinx it but it's just that I'm someone who's really afraid of changes? And I really don't like being in a new environment.

But you people made me laugh, was able to get me to open up, bought food for me when I skip my meals, helped me with my assignments and just really made my life in poly a lot more bearable. I thank you for that. 

I know some have been asking me to dedicate a post to you girls. Well, I don't know if this counts but really, I know this sounds kinda cheesy but w/o you people I'll probably be skipping school and giving up on it alr.

I BECAME MERLION AGAIN

Haven't ate anything the whole of today because I've been vomiting non stop ): Think I'm down with food poisoning for drinking too much again.

I got no idea why this always happens to me esp after drinking Vodka?!!?

Went over to Nais's place with the guys to drink last night. 

And I drank so much I ended up vomiting all the way back, on John Lim's hand and in Minjiang's car. lol.

Still, I'm so glad to have friends like them taking care of me, cleaning up after me and making sure I'm fine and well :) 

I wasn't drunk though.

Eugene suspects I'm allergic to alcohol because each time I drink a little too much I would start vomiting even though I'm not drunk. And it's like I would vomit for days!!!?!?!?! 

):

But whenever I eat lemons while drinking this wouldn't happen.

I must never drink without lemons!! >:(

When I drink without lemon I become merlion!

Anywayz, Nais said my face slimmed down a lot after being a Merlion.

I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy about it though lol. Because for my face to slim down I had to go through vomiting for a day and not being able to take in food.

Sigh pie.

I really hope I'll recover tomorrow.

I feel so terrible.

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OCTOBER IS HERE

*clears throat and prepares for speech*

In just a blink of an eye, September has passed and October has come. 

I wonder how many of you have actually done something for yourself in which you'll be grateful for when you look back on all the months that have passed in this year 2013.

Just kidding.

I think I might just be a few months early making this speech. lol.

I'll save that for the end of the year.

But OMG time really flies. 

I don't know if it's me but time flew past especially fast this year. I was reading through all my old blog posts and wished so much I could relieve all those memories. But I can't ): Which is the saddest thing of all.

Anyway, can we all have a min of silence here in remembrance of me when I had my long hair, also in spirit and soul............ lol I don't know what I'm blabbering about.

But ya. In remembrance of me when I had my long hair not just in the way I look but really, me. Because I was also also a different person then.  

2011

2012

Gah, I miss my long hair.

Went for my 3rd driving practical lesson and I was so happy!!!!!!!!!!!

heheh. I finally went on the road. I was still complaining on twitter about how the process of learning driving was and still is such a chore. But I was really really glad I went on the road today!! MUAHAHAHAH!

*pats shoulder*

Anyway, here's what made my night

HAHAHHAAH 

GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!