WHO WILL I CHOOSE

Today while on my way out of school, Steff popped me a question which I think actually helped me a lot in sorting out my feelings/thoughts. And this was what she asked:

"OK, I ask you a question, you don't tell me what won't happen blahblah and stuffs like that you must answer honestly ok? What if one day your ex comes back and tells you to get back with him and that he will change and everything, be the same nice guy that he used to be to you and (name) at the same time, ask you to get together with him. You can only choose one and if you choose one, you lose the other. Who would you choose?"

And Steff was pretty surprised when she heard my answer because she thought I'll choose (name). 

I didn't. and I gave her an explanation.

Because we all find comfort in things which are familiar. 

It's easier to go back to where you were from than to take a brave step out and try something new. So I choose my ex. Not because I still have feelings for him but because the feelings are easier to get back if tried. (Once I treat you as a part of my "family" you'll always be. No matter how many times you've betrayed me, lied to me, disappointed me, no matter how long it's been since I last talk to you or how I decided to cut you off. Once you are part of my family, you'll always be.) 

So yes, I said that I will choose my ex. Because it's easier to go back to something familiar at least we would know each other better and what ticks each other off- which means the relationship might finally work than trying a new relationship with both parties trying to figure each other out, starting over, carrying the possibility that we might realize things between us cannot work out. So I said I'll choose my ex instead. Also because at least instead of remembering me as a bad girlf/someone he regretted being in a relationship with/ex, (name)'s memory of me would stay the same- that I'm a good friend, a nice friend, a caring friend etc even if we stop talking. At least (name)'s memory of me would be good. So I chose my ex instead.

And then there's one other reason I do not tell her. 

That it is easier to have your heart broken by the same guy who broke you heart many times before than to have a "new"/different guy who has never broken your heart, break it.

Because then, at least I know I can pick myself up again as I've done it before.

But I'm not sure I can do it if another guy I open my heart to, broke it too.

So I will choose my ex.