ONTO BETTER THINGS

It is definitely such a downer that I decided to post a heavy hearted post when we are just 3 weeks into the new year. But this post has been kept at the back of my head since Christmas and I am not one to just "let things go" if I feel so bothered by it. So I just thought I will get everything I have been wanting to say typed out.

As much as I love bringing up my past self, I have come to a point where I finally admit that those were in the past and I can never be the person I used to be. I said this in my previous post. From 2013 - 2015, I was struggling with identifying with myself so much because even though I am fully aware that things have changed, and have to change, I was unable to come to terms with the many things that have happened. - Those situations/circumstances have forever changed me, the way I feel about things, the way I see things, the way I learn to deal with things.

I guess the reluctance to accept that things have changed, including me, lead me into the state of self identity crisis. I no longer know who I was, who I am and who I wanted to be. And these, eventually lead me to be a person with such incredible low self esteem especially in 2014 and 2015.

I have never been so paranoid and have never doubted myself so much. NEVER. But of course, nobody knew. Except for a few, or those who were observant enough to notice. Behind the facade of the girl who was once so sure of herself, was a self doubting girl, in need of constant assurance. My poor bestf who had to deal with her own set of problems had to be there to help me deal with mine.

But nobody knew, nobody could tell. Because I was still acting like the strong headed girl who didn't mind about hurting others with her words as long as she could say her last. But each time after those incidents/fights/quarrels, I would turn to Theo and Yanting and asked them if everything was truly my fault. I wouldn't even take their "no" for an answer and would often tell them that they were lying to make me feel better.

"Don't you think that it must be true since I am the only one who is and who has been losing her friends?", "Seems like the problem has always been just me". I blamed myself for everything that happened, I even sent out apologies. Even though (right now, clear headed as hell), most of the things that happened wasn't entirely my fault. TBH, I thought it was quite stupid of me to blame myself for everything. NOT that I now think that I was totally right, but I could have been a bigger person to let certain things slide.

I am not the same Charman I used to be. And I won't even want to compare the Charman then and the Charman now because I AM STILL ME. My thoughts might have changed, the way I deal with things have definitely changed but deep down, my personality and my values, remains the EXACT same.

I have been less "forgiving" to those who have left me. But that doesn't mean I haven't already forgiven them. I just stopped welcoming them back into my life with opened arms like I used to. I stopped reaching out to my close/good friends and it is not like I have stopped loving them. I just stopped caring as much especially when I had so much to deal with last year.

This is contradicting to say but hey, as much as I have changed, I am still the same. It hurts me to find out that some of the people I care about won't reach out to me because they think that I have decided to give up on them just cause I stopped making an effort to connect with them.

I used to send really random text message to people I care about to ask them what they are up to, to update them about my life, to get them to meet up. I used to send people Christmas messages and send a personalised messaged to wish EVERY SINGLE ONE of those I love into the new year and remind them how important they are to me. But with so much that was happening, so much to deal with and so much work to do I decided to put it all to a stop.
I can't always be the one reaching out, being available for people that I care about, being the one to remind them that I will always be there. When I made a decision to stop, it broke my heart to realise that everything was really one sided. When Charman stops making an effort the friendship ends. HALF A YEAR I WAITED, but only a few reached out.

Like I have said, I am different now, I learnt and I grow and I have decided that if I have to be the only one who has to make an effort, I will let the friendship go. I free my time up for the people I love, to meet me when they have time and when they have time/are ready, funny that now that I think about it, those were the people who have never done the same for me.

I am still the same Charman that would always put friendship above everything else. I am still the sentimental girl who would keep cards and even text messages just so I could go back and look at them from time to time to remind myself that there was a time when all things were well.

But I have to stop being the girl who for the ones she loves, would forsake all, including herself.

2015: YEAR OF GROWTH, SPONTANEITY, TRAGEDY

Well, hello there. 

After a long break from not blogging, I'm back! Of course I can't miss my yearly tradition of ending the year with another long ass blog post no matter how busy/lazy I am.

This year has been as stated in my title, more or less a tragedy. 

People say that the best age to be is when you turn 21. You're supposed to look your best, be in the best state of mind, health, physical wise.... but for me, I am everything but the total opposite of feeling the best. – I will leave that for later.

I started 2015 a little differently this year when I joined the insane crowd right at Victoria Harbour, Hong Kong for the countdown. 

And went right back to (the most dreaded 3 years) school to complete my last semester as a good student and graduated with a diploma in May. YAY. *Rolls eyes*

Then, came June and together with Yanting, I flew to Perth to surprise my best for her 21st birthday. 

We spent 2 weeks there and I came back to rush the planning for my own 21st birthday. IT. WAS. EXHAUSTING.

Charmy21
Pretty much sums up my party. BUT SERIOUSLY THOUGH, WHY DO MY FRIENDS NOT HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY :@Music: Techno Fan - The Wombats
Posted by Charman Chuang on Wednesday, July 8, 2015

A week later on 20th July, I started work in a media agency and fast forward to now, the year passed just like that. MEH.
And in-between the start of work life to the end of the year, I gained weight, looked a lot older, and basically, am in the worst state I have ever been in - looks, health and figure wise.

Nevertheless, 2015 has definitely been memorable. I made many spontaneous decisions this year and regretted none of them.

- I had my hair cut short
And have been keeping it short since Feb.

- I made a few good friends before leaving the shitty school

- Went cycling around Pulau Ubin

 - And hiking at Mc'Ritchie to Bukit Timah

- Made an insane and really spontaneous decision to meet someone I got to know online, something I'd never done/will never do
And I'm glad I did. I just wished I could turn back time and change how I was behaving cause I was pretty rude.

- Attended Social Night

Was made a really proud sister thanks to my brother.

- Then, went for midnight cycling when it was 200PSI. 
We cycled from East Coast Park (ECP) all the way to Gardens By The Bay, Fullerton Hotel, back to ECP and to Changi to watch the planes and back to ECP in the morning. I DIED AND I'M NEVER DOING IT AGAIN, EVER.

- I also made a spontaneous decision to go blonde
Which costed me 1k to get the colours fixed because it first turned green, then really yellow. And eventually, damaged my hair. Not sure if I've regretted it though. I think it's in-between. But oh wells, at least I've tried being blonde once in my life.

- Made an insane decision to go to Bangkok with someone I HAVE NEVER hung out with in 21 years of my life

And thank God it turned out well.

This year, I pampered myself a lot more but I loved myself less.
Facial appointments, hair salon visits, laser, waxing and shopping. NONE of them could make me feel better about myself other than taking care of me, my physical body well. I have never had issues with my self esteem but now.

I realised the importance of knowing who's worth the effort and who's not.
The people I surrounded myself with had a direct impact on the way I feel. I learnt to stop considering people whom don't make an effort, doesn't make me feel appreciated as friends. I learnt so much about letting go last year, and unlike Charman in the past, I had no qualms about inviting people who are not planning to stay, to leave my life. And to those who left me and wanted yourself back in this year,

WHATEVER. LOL.

I learnt that money really doesn't mean anything if you do not have time; for your loved ones or even for yourself.

I felt so much like a zombie working almost 24/7. Knocking off at 2am and going home to continue with work till 4am before going to bed and starting the same cycle again after 3hrs of sleep. 

I learnt that some choices made in life, can close certain doors for you and it's impossible to turn it around. 

I regretted nothing. But at the same time, I can't help but wished I had woken up sooner.

There comes a point in time when you know that you can no longer grasp what's no longer there because what has passed, is now past. The only thing you know to and the only thing you can do, is to keep moving forward and improve. I distant so much from the person I used to be, I can no longer remember who she was. I used to mention "The old me/Charman" a lot because I couldn't let go and I didn't want to move on. But I've accepted it now, I've grown, I've learnt and I changed.

So this is good bye 2015, I CAN'T WAIT TO START A NEW YEAR.

January has been all planned out since 2 months ago and I so am ready for it. Can't wait to build myself, my health and my life back up from square 1. In 2016, I am going to work towards being the best version of myself.