ONTO BETTER THINGS

It is definitely such a downer that I decided to post a heavy hearted post when we are just 3 weeks into the new year. But this post has been kept at the back of my head since Christmas and I am not one to just "let things go" if I feel so bothered by it. So I just thought I will get everything I have been wanting to say typed out.

As much as I love bringing up my past self, I have come to a point where I finally admit that those were in the past and I can never be the person I used to be. I said this in my previous post. From 2013 - 2015, I was struggling with identifying with myself so much because even though I am fully aware that things have changed, and have to change, I was unable to come to terms with the many things that have happened. - Those situations/circumstances have forever changed me, the way I feel about things, the way I see things, the way I learn to deal with things.

I guess the reluctance to accept that things have changed, including me, lead me into the state of self identity crisis. I no longer know who I was, who I am and who I wanted to be. And these, eventually lead me to be a person with such incredible low self esteem especially in 2014 and 2015.

I have never been so paranoid and have never doubted myself so much. NEVER. But of course, nobody knew. Except for a few, or those who were observant enough to notice. Behind the facade of the girl who was once so sure of herself, was a self doubting girl, in need of constant assurance. My poor bestf who had to deal with her own set of problems had to be there to help me deal with mine.

But nobody knew, nobody could tell. Because I was still acting like the strong headed girl who didn't mind about hurting others with her words as long as she could say her last. But each time after those incidents/fights/quarrels, I would turn to Theo and Yanting and asked them if everything was truly my fault. I wouldn't even take their "no" for an answer and would often tell them that they were lying to make me feel better.

"Don't you think that it must be true since I am the only one who is and who has been losing her friends?", "Seems like the problem has always been just me". I blamed myself for everything that happened, I even sent out apologies. Even though (right now, clear headed as hell), most of the things that happened wasn't entirely my fault. TBH, I thought it was quite stupid of me to blame myself for everything. NOT that I now think that I was totally right, but I could have been a bigger person to let certain things slide.

I am not the same Charman I used to be. And I won't even want to compare the Charman then and the Charman now because I AM STILL ME. My thoughts might have changed, the way I deal with things have definitely changed but deep down, my personality and my values, remains the EXACT same.

I have been less "forgiving" to those who have left me. But that doesn't mean I haven't already forgiven them. I just stopped welcoming them back into my life with opened arms like I used to. I stopped reaching out to my close/good friends and it is not like I have stopped loving them. I just stopped caring as much especially when I had so much to deal with last year.

This is contradicting to say but hey, as much as I have changed, I am still the same. It hurts me to find out that some of the people I care about won't reach out to me because they think that I have decided to give up on them just cause I stopped making an effort to connect with them.

I used to send really random text message to people I care about to ask them what they are up to, to update them about my life, to get them to meet up. I used to send people Christmas messages and send a personalised messaged to wish EVERY SINGLE ONE of those I love into the new year and remind them how important they are to me. But with so much that was happening, so much to deal with and so much work to do I decided to put it all to a stop.
I can't always be the one reaching out, being available for people that I care about, being the one to remind them that I will always be there. When I made a decision to stop, it broke my heart to realise that everything was really one sided. When Charman stops making an effort the friendship ends. HALF A YEAR I WAITED, but only a few reached out.

Like I have said, I am different now, I learnt and I grow and I have decided that if I have to be the only one who has to make an effort, I will let the friendship go. I free my time up for the people I love, to meet me when they have time and when they have time/are ready, funny that now that I think about it, those were the people who have never done the same for me.

I am still the same Charman that would always put friendship above everything else. I am still the sentimental girl who would keep cards and even text messages just so I could go back and look at them from time to time to remind myself that there was a time when all things were well.

But I have to stop being the girl who for the ones she loves, would forsake all, including herself.