WHEN YOU BREAK ME, YOU ALSO MAKE ME

I crossed my heart and hoped to die.

Your words hurt me as much as your actions have killed me.

But I might have already died a thousand times.

You do it again and again, no thought spared for me.

You once told me to be a strong girl. But inside I am hurting. I'm not as strong as what you seem to see. On my way home I recall, the things everyone who have hurt me used to tell me "I would never hurt you" they said, but that was never the case. 

But it's okay.

I swear I'll be okay.

Because don't forget, when you break me, you also make me.

SAID HELLO TO RISK ANOTHER GOOD BYE

We all yearn for what we've lost, forgetting that sometimes letting go would do us good.

The process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. But I've been through this so many times, I've been made stronger. Just gotta remind myself that I'm stronger and I can get through it again.

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Dear you,

#1

The one I've never said sorry to:

Remember me telling you, to give me some time, for me to dig deep down to find a little courage of mine? And I never did find the courage. Not then, not now. And I've never told you why I needed myself to be brave. Even if it's just going out with you, being with you and hanging out with your friends. I've always wondered how it's like to give someone everything you've got and have them find out that it wasn't what they wanted/hoped for and yet, still have to thank you all the same. That was what I was afraid of. -Not being more than enough. I didn't just want to be just enough for you. I wanted to be more than that. Then, at least I wouldn't be afraid of losing you and it'll be the other way; you being afraid of losing me. When I first knew you, you were the "Mr Popular" together with your friends. The trio. And I knew many seniors who had a crush on you. This you may not know, that there were occasions when a senior would come up to me and mock me, tell me how I wasn't good enough for you and they all, every single one of them left me feeling really inferior. So I didn't want you to come any closer. Though I did like you, I didn't want you to know me better. In case you realized that I wasn't good enough for you after all. But little did I know, that by being such a coward, my actions would actually hurt you. Till years later, I was enlightened of my actions by your friend. I didn't mean to ignore your existence when I'm with my friends, I didn't mean to push that chocolate you gave to me out of your hand and I didn't mean to say those nasty things after I've made you upset to my friends. I just thought if I "leave" you first by pretending not to care so much, at least I wouldn't be left, y'knw? I just wanted to appear like you didn't mean much to me, just like how I thought I didn't mean much to you. But like the many times you've told me before, "you THOUGHT". Guess I thought wrongly again. Yet, even after those many times I've hurt you, you still gave in to me and apologized, even at the end. This is for all the times you've given in to me even though I should be the one apologizing to you, this is for all the apologies I've never said. I'm sorry.

 #2

The one I wish I've replied to:

I've never really liked talking about you nor liked hearing your name mentioned after what has happened between us. Not because I disliked you but because I was really upset and am still kinda upset with how our friendship ended. Faithful is being loyal and steadfast. But why did you waver? Because of a message not replied? Or did you waver because you didn't think I was faithful too? I won't lie to you but there's just so much unhappiness and anger within me because of the reason you gave me and because you gave me no second chances at all to get our friendship back. Yet, at the same time though I'm angry, I can't bring myself to dislike you nor can I bring myself to forget about you because you were my faithful friend. You were there behind the scenes when I was down and upset. You were there for me when I was "bullied". There's so much you did for me and I can't comprehend why you decided to give up on our friendship. I just wish you would explain to me why. I want to know the reason. I miss you so much, I wish to know how's your life, I wish to be there when you're down just like how you've been there for me too. And it sucks, that the only way I can find out about how you're doing is through your tweets retweeted by people I follow. I'm sorry I didn't reply you. It wasn't on purpose and I've yet to kick that bad habit of mine still. But I just wish that you didn't cut me off like that. And I wish you'll give me a second chance.

#3
The friend I once knew:
I miss you calling my chinese name. I miss you singing to me the chinese song urging me to make a certain decision I refused to make. I miss going into the room to tell you how I wished I wasn't hurt by the same guy over and over and have you giving me your usual negative yet funny answers. I miss fighting over the big bear with you. I miss how you would always come into the office trying to fight for my seat not knowing that I actually care less for the stupid seat and would give it up to you. I miss how on days you would come and volunteer to help me get my work done. I miss how you would care for me in all the little ways that I can pick up from our conversations. I miss how you can make my day just with the stupid ":D" of yours. And I thought you should know even if I've never told you before, that I do think you're sometimes kinda cool/cute. I've said this so many times, I really do miss you. I kinda expected us to become distant once you moved on in life. I just never really believed we would. Everyone knows how you're like and expected this from you and they all reminded me that this isn't first day I know you so I should have known better. But it is possible to be hurt by something even though you've expected it to happen; no matter how much you think you were ready for it. And I was disappointed when it did. I wished you came and talk to me earlier so that we would stay friends longer and have spent more time together. You've read my blog, you knew you meant quite a big deal to me, I just wished you'd also know how much you would hurt me when you decided to leave and maybe that would stop you from leaving? I don't know. Or maybe you decided to forget about me because I am not "cool" for you. But here's one thing I know; that I won't mind having history repeat, going back to the past and have my heart broken by the same guy again just so we'll be friends again and you'll be there for me to make me feel okay.


#4
The one whom I've never really appreciated:
lol. Whao. I do miss you but I never expected that I would actually write a post to say how much I do. But yes, I do miss you and I've been tweeting about it once in a while. I was reading my older posts a long time back after you decided to mysteriously disappear from my life and I realized that you've actually played a huge part in helping me move on, making me smile/laugh when things weren't okay, being there for me to keep me from thinking about the one who broke my heart. You should have only always seen me as a friend and at least I wouldn't have pushed you away, distant myself from you and become mean to you. I'm just sorry I was really mean to you and insensitive. I wonder if you still read my blog. Well, cut the long story short, I want to fight more wars and conquer more countries with you, I want you back. Can I command you in the position of SSGT to come back?


#5
My big brother:
I don't think you get what I was trying to say when you wished me on my birthday this year. I suck at opening up and speaking up when it's things related to my feelings, you should know that. I wasn't trying to pick a fight with you even though I was upset. Just the night before, I was thinking about how much I actually mean to certain people in my life and obviously, you know how important you were and (I would tell you now,) still are to me. And you once told me I was important to you too. I wonder if it's the same still. I want to believe I am. Yet, it's apparent that you've found more important people in your life and thus, stopped contacting me. You told me that it's because I'm not your priority and I agree, of course you should spend more time and effort on the somebody. But then again, I see you spending time with other people even though they are not the somebody who's your priority. You once said this to me "Your life is so complicated that you don't even want to share with me anymore!" NO. Says who. I want to share with you. I want to. So now let me direct the question back to you, do you? You're the only one whom I would answer your phone call or even make a phone call just to chat. You're one of the very few who were able to get me to open up. You've even saw me cry in front of you. It was an oversight on my part. That I've trusted you and your words so much to never think about a day when you would decide to stop contacting me. It sucks that I now have to always think twice before going to you to ask for advises. It sucks that we're not that close anymore for me to call you whenever I can't sleep at night. It sucks that you're no longer the one I can go to when someone hurt me/breaks my heart. Because you broke mine. Urgh. There's so much I want to tell you but at the same time, there's so much holding me back because of where we are now. I miss shouting your full name when you piss me off/annoy me. It sucks so much not to have you around. I miss you big brother.


#6
The one I thought I'll be tired of talking about by now:
After so many times of mentioning your name in the past conversations and all those times when you lead me into writing one emotional post after another; I thought by now I've already rid you from my bones. And honestly, I do, feel kinda sick of bringing your name up or anything related to you. However, there are things in which I've never told you because you've always been cutting me off, never wanting to hear me out and so, I thought since I'm already doing this post, why not just spill out my thoughts and things I've never said to you but wish I did as well. So here it is, thank you for all the times you've talked sense into me, for sometimes "appearing" when I'm feeling down and for all your nagging towards me in the past whenever I don't take good care of myself! And if it ever crossed your mind to whether I've ever h8ed (lol. cuz hate is such a weird/strong word to use, I've never used it before) you or not, I never did :) Though you did make me extremely sad, disappointed, pissed and upset before to the extend whereby I wished I could hurt you back just as much as you've hurt me. But when you love someone, you don't want to hurt them and it hurts you to hurt them no matter how much they deserved to be hurt. Instead, I did all kinds of dumb things, things which I would never do. Things like going all the way down to your void deck and not daring to go up to your place. I did love you and I still love you. Just in different ways. And I really hope you'll cut down or better yet, quit smoking. And also, find a really good girlf who loves you the way you wanted to be loved by spending time with you, being there for you, being there to motivate you whenever you feel like giving up, buy you food when you're too busy and one who's able to cheer you up!


#7
The one who asked me to explain why you love me:
I still do not have the answer. I wish I could explain why I almost loved you too.


xx

NOT LOOKING FORWARD

School is starting in less than a week time and I'm already dreading it so much.

lol. It's no surprise anyway cuz I've been repeating "I don't like poly"/ "poly sucks" ever since I entered poly.

But really, I think the only time when I genuinely enjoyed myself in poly was in Year1Sem2.

I miss laughing till I literally rofl.

It was so much fun during that sem and for the very first time I actually looked forward to going to classes everyday in poly.

And how I especially look forward to Wednesday classes, walking out halfway in the middle of the class to go out and have our sex conversation LOL.

I also miss sitting beside my Retarded Jasmine a lot.

Man, I honestly wished we didn't have to change classes every semester or worst, every day.

It was only in Year1Sem1 (Likhock, Natalie, Jeevan, etc) and esp Sem2 where I actually found people whom were genuine. 

And though I did enjoy Y2S1's modules, it was kinda tough and having people from my Y1S2 class being in the same class as me made my days a lot bearable. People like Syirah, Hasif, Phoebe, Sareeta, Ryan and also a few other friends like Lavania, Weishan, Farah, Jed and Jayden.

And not forgetting the girls who always met up with me for lunch. Isabel, Steff, Sam and Wenting.

Our timetable is so different next semester, I don't even think we'll be able to have lunch together anymore :/ 

Don't wanna jinx it but it's just that I'm someone who's really afraid of changes? And I really don't like being in a new environment.

But you people made me laugh, was able to get me to open up, bought food for me when I skip my meals, helped me with my assignments and just really made my life in poly a lot more bearable. I thank you for that. 

I know some have been asking me to dedicate a post to you girls. Well, I don't know if this counts but really, I know this sounds kinda cheesy but w/o you people I'll probably be skipping school and giving up on it alr.

I BECAME MERLION AGAIN

Haven't ate anything the whole of today because I've been vomiting non stop ): Think I'm down with food poisoning for drinking too much again.

I got no idea why this always happens to me esp after drinking Vodka?!!?

Went over to Nais's place with the guys to drink last night. 

And I drank so much I ended up vomiting all the way back, on John Lim's hand and in Minjiang's car. lol.

Still, I'm so glad to have friends like them taking care of me, cleaning up after me and making sure I'm fine and well :) 

I wasn't drunk though.

Eugene suspects I'm allergic to alcohol because each time I drink a little too much I would start vomiting even though I'm not drunk. And it's like I would vomit for days!!!?!?!?! 

):

But whenever I eat lemons while drinking this wouldn't happen.

I must never drink without lemons!! >:(

When I drink without lemon I become merlion!

Anywayz, Nais said my face slimmed down a lot after being a Merlion.

I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy about it though lol. Because for my face to slim down I had to go through vomiting for a day and not being able to take in food.

Sigh pie.

I really hope I'll recover tomorrow.

I feel so terrible.

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OCTOBER IS HERE

*clears throat and prepares for speech*

In just a blink of an eye, September has passed and October has come. 

I wonder how many of you have actually done something for yourself in which you'll be grateful for when you look back on all the months that have passed in this year 2013.

Just kidding.

I think I might just be a few months early making this speech. lol.

I'll save that for the end of the year.

But OMG time really flies. 

I don't know if it's me but time flew past especially fast this year. I was reading through all my old blog posts and wished so much I could relieve all those memories. But I can't ): Which is the saddest thing of all.

Anyway, can we all have a min of silence here in remembrance of me when I had my long hair, also in spirit and soul............ lol I don't know what I'm blabbering about.

But ya. In remembrance of me when I had my long hair not just in the way I look but really, me. Because I was also also a different person then.  

2011

2012

Gah, I miss my long hair.

Went for my 3rd driving practical lesson and I was so happy!!!!!!!!!!!

heheh. I finally went on the road. I was still complaining on twitter about how the process of learning driving was and still is such a chore. But I was really really glad I went on the road today!! MUAHAHAHAH!

*pats shoulder*

Anyway, here's what made my night

HAHAHHAAH 

GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!

"When people don't express themselves, they die one piece at a time. You'd be shocked at how many adults are really dead inside–walking through their days with no idea who they are."
 —  Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
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