THINGS I WANTED TO TELL YOU BUT I DIDN'T, CAUSE I COULDN'T

I'm sorry for being rude. I'm sorry for not replying messages but I did what I did only because you mean so much to me.

You know how I always like to say "if I leave first then at least I wouldn't be left"? You/ and you guys mean too much to me and I want to keep the current "impression" I have of you and that means to leave things be so that none of you would ever have the chance to do anything to hurt me. 

I got so attached to things and people that whenever they leave me, parts of me got destroyed that I don't even know who I am anymore. 

I couldn't help it and I made myself doubt every single thing you said, even though I should be trusting you. I have NEVER EVER once doubted you before. But all if a sudden, I just felt like I should. That all these time when you told me I was important, how much you loved me and how much you never want to lose me, were all lies. 

I didn't feel like replying you. Because I wanted to shut you out of my life. I didn't even want to reply you or even, know what to reply you. Because on one hand I was doubting you and on the other, I felt sorry and really bad for doing this to you. 

And I'm sorry. I honestly was prepared for what was going to happen when I decided I should shut you out. And it's true, when you cut people out of your life, you end up wounding yourself too. But I still wanted to do it because it was the only way to get myself back. Because for once, I felt like I was in control. It has always been people leaving me and I couldn't understand why when all I've ever did was to give them whatever I can and love them in whatever way I know and even after putting me through so much hurt and disappointments, I never left them and I couldn't understand why they did that to me. This time, I made the choice to leave and it was really comforting. Because for once, people didn't get to choose, whether to leave me or not. I did before they could. 

And in sorry the victim was you.