HARD TO TRY OR TRY TOO HARD

It has been a week and a half since school officially started for me as a year 2 student and I'm really starting to get pretty frustrated with things.

I dare you say straight in my face that having a life full of expectations for yourself is a lot easier than having none at all.
It's been just a week and I'm already feeling the stress that's getting the better of me and thus, my frustrations.

I've been living most my life with not much expectation of myself and I'm really good at that. However, this time, I made a promise to myself that I will/must really work extra hard and I'm proud to say I did. And I did try harder. Yet, it gets hard when sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things just don't get better.

Here's one thing, I really get stressed out when I tell myself I need to do well and I did but can't maintain it. (That's why I don't like giving myself expectations and would rather try my hardest but be surprised)
It's really easier to be getting bad grades and then have a good grade once in a while than to be getting good grades and have bad grades once in a while.

I try my best but sometimes, my best, doesn't seem to help.

My weekends are sold for money. And I now only have every half a Friday for myself. And I'm so frustrated with people because people aren't trustworthy and they change.

Damn it. Waiting for my mum to be out of the toilet now before I shower and head to work.

Here's one thing I took away from my week: Not being able to maintain something sucks and people suck.

Good bye.
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PURPOSE

It is only the norm for everyone who's born in this Earth as a human being to believe that they were created for a purpose.

No matter what your religion or race, you're just born to believe that there's a reason for you to be on this Earth. -Because of all the other thousands of sperm which were competing with you to reach the egg, you are the one who won the race.


I wonder how many of you here reading my blog have already found your purpose in life. Or how many of the people out there in the world who have yet figured out why they were even born in the first place.
Or am I the only one who's still struggling to find out what exactly am I created for.


Today, I once again, struggled with that thought. What's life when you do not know of any purpose you serve?


I used to have big dreams when I was young.

I wanted to be an artist; I loved drawing. I loved doing artwork. I wanted to draw pretty things and have people appreciate my handwork. I used to draw all kinds of stuffs and show them off to guests who comes to visit.
But I found out there were people who were better. And for them, it's plain talent. What's more, as I grew older, I started to dislike drawing. I don't know what happened, I haven't figured why. But I just don't draw anymore.

I wanted to be a lawyer (I really wanted this and dreamt about it for the longest time); I wanted to help people fight for justice. I believed that truth will always come to light and the good will always trample over evil.
But as I grew older, I realized this dream is almost unreachable since I have never put in as much effort in my studies that I need to in order to attain this dream. I have my parents telling me the qualifications that a lawyer needs when I was only in primary school. I tell myself it's impossible since I am unable to even focus and study so I gave up on this dream.

I wanted to be a doctor; I love bio! I loved it since I started learning it. You can take a look in my primary school's report book and you'll see all my teachers' remark about how they can see my passion and interest in science. I want to save lives, I didn't like to see/hear about people dying. I wanted to keep everyone alive.
But we all know I'm not some miracle worker and people eventually have to die. Even if I am, there'll be a problem of over population and I can't deal with death. What happens if I can't save a patient? I can't deal with what will come after. I can't even deal with my hamsters' death and cried 3 months. I decided being a doctor is not for me.

I wanted to be a policewoman; I figured since I can't be a superwoman, the next closest thing would be a policewoman since their job is pretty similar which is making sure that the world is safe.
But I'm not fit, and my emotions ALWAYS get the better of me. What happens if a thief steals some food and tells me he only stole it because his children are about to die of hunger at home and he couldn't find a job? Do I let him go? I don't know about that but I know I'm sure as hell gonna help him get a job. What happens if I'm too angry and I end up killing the murderer myself? Being a police isn't for me.

I wanted to be a teacher; not because I love to teach, not because I love kids but because I figured I would be able to reach out to teens like me and I wouldn't be like any other teachers I've met because my purpose of wanting to be a teacher isn't to teach but give students hope. Hope that they all have a purpose and no matter what circumstances they are in, all of them have an equal chance of doing well. That they do not have to care about what people say about them, that all they need to know is that I believe in every single one of them.
But a purpose of a teacher is to teach. And he/she should always have a passion for teaching.

I wanted to be a pastor; not that I am super holy. I'm not even a good proper Christian myself. For one thing, I don't even read the bible, I disrespect my cell group leader and even challenged and questioned her. But I do love God. That is, for sure. I just wanted to give people hope. To let them know that someone loves them.
But I don't study the bible. What if I can live upright and honest my whole life? And being a pastor does not earn me money.


When I entered into secondary school, people called me cheerful. They told me that seeing me all happy made them happy too.
I started believing that maybe my purpose in life is simply to make people happy. To cheer them up when they're down. To be there for them. And I held on tight to that purpose which I thought was the right one for me.
I managed to hold on to it well and always have people telling me how easily I can make them smile and cheer them up. But I'm no angel. I can't cheer everyone up. And I even made someone feel worse when he was down. I even remember me crying on my birthday both in sec1 and sec2 because people were sad and feeling unhappy on those day. Insane.


I want to believe that God do have great plans ahead of me. I want to believe I do have a purpose, a good one.
Yet, day in and day out, I've been waiting for so long to finally know my purpose that I'm starting to doubt, if I would even know my purpose after all.

I once told someone I feel like a good for nothing, don't tell me I'm being a drama queen when I only started believing that it might be the case when people were only out to bring me down and say nasty things about me just cause in band, my studies and everything else, I can't do well.

I told him it would probably be a good thing for me to donate my organs to someone else. Someone who's in need of it. He didn't answer me and just continued trying to motivate me in my studies. I wonder if he did that out of courtesy. That though he feels that I should, he doesn't say much just not to be crude.
But he doesn't understand how I feel. That if I give my life to someone who needs it more than me, he/she might cherish it better than me and use it to the fullest. Then at least, I feel purposeful.
Because though I'm a healthy body I'm good at nothing. What's worse is I'm not even determined. I don't give my all in everything I do. You get my reasoning, maybe from the start you're already agreeing with me.


Say I'm being overly dramatic. Maybe I am.
Maybe a few days later or years later I'll look back at this post and have a good laugh about how crazy I am.
But right now, at this point of time, I feel this ache. Maybe it's the disappointments built up over time. Maybe it's finally that I take a good look at myself and realize all my waiting and trying has come to naught. Maybe it's just the fact that my heart is aching because it knows the truth that I do have no purpose at all.

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Just like always, I would feel depressed over not having any sales, especially the fact that this time, it's 3 days straight with no sales at all since the first day I started work at the new shop.

As I came back to open the shop after going to the toilet, he [he, because all along, I don't know his name. But I'll find out soon. Next week.] came into my shop, placed a cup of orange juice on the counter that he went off to buy while I was in the toilet and said "don't sad". Right after that, he left and went back to his shop while Vicky came out of her shop and said "See how much we all love you" and came into my shop to console me.

I broke down in an instant. Then in came the rest of the shop owners and all of them started consoling me. Vicky kept calling me "silly child" oblivious to the fact that it makes me want to cry even more.

I'm not writing this for the whole world to know. There's nothing to know about. Nothing for me to share with my readers. -That is, if I still have any.
But I'm writing this for myself. Because I've been working in FEP for the longest time, even longer than most of the shop owners; and this is the first time I've ever truly felt genuine love and concern. What's more, I'm not even their part timer. They are bosses and shop owners of their own shops, there isn't a need for them to care but they did.

I'm writing this only for one purpose. That is, how they cared for me today, I never want to forget.

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IS BAND WORTH IT?

People have always asked me what I have gotten out of joining band and giving 5 years of my life to it.
Having to go for band practices every Tuesday, Friday and half of my Saturdays and sometimes, even to have my whole Saturday robbed off because of performances and parades that can last all the way to 1am in the night.

Ultimately, I have always been asked this question.

IS IT EVEN WORTH IT?

I will start recalling those times I had to compromise and give up going out with friends especially when I have parades or performances on Saturdays. Times when my friends had to compromise and change the date of an outing because I had band. 

There were also times when I felt frustrated with my conductor, my band and section because we couldn't play a phrase of a piece well. Times when I felt like giving up because I couldn't get my embouchure right, because I couldn't play jazz as well as my batch mates and other times because I couldn't pitch a certain high note.

In fact, I didn't like sectionals. I dragged it. It was a time for me and my section to see how lousy I am and for my juniors to see how much better they were than me as their senior. There were times when I just felt tired and didn't feel like attending band during lower sec years.

I remember the political conflicts and fights my seniors had when I was in lower sec. And NEVER ONCE would there be NO quarrels and NO one crying during every AGM (Annual General Meeting).

And out of the all 4 times I cried really badly, 2 times were because of band. Twice were for the same reason, SYF results.

The first was in 2009 when I was in Sec 3. It was the first silver Swiss Winds had ever gotten. 

I remember crying the whole evening/night after knowing the result. Jieqi and I went crying from Yewtee for hours to CCK to meet Lynette, Jingyin and the rest who were also crying. 

Then the next day back in school when the majors had to announce the results to the whole school I cried again. I cried for the whole day and I cried as I ran ET. Ms Ho was my form teacher and she had to stop me from running in case of dehydration. 

I cried for a week and slowly after that, because of my friendships and relationship problems, Ms Ho and the rest of the teachers thought I had spiraled into depression.

And I cried not because I thought we deserved a gold. In fact, even though I know we don't deserve it, I was still secretly hoping the judges would close an eye and give us the gold not because we did well but because we had never gotten a silver. I cried because it was the first silver Swiss Winds had ever gotten and I know how the alumnus would be disappointed. 

The second time was in 2011 when I was in sec 5. This time, we were all on bus, excited and happy to hear the results. I think it was Winston who had the phone with him and had put it on loudspeaker. At the other side of the line, it was a few of the council members at SCH waiting for the results to be announced. We were so damn sure we would be awarded Gold. 

Everyone was in high hopes that we would be able to get the Gold that we lost back and reinstate our band as a Gold/with honors band. And we were so confident because we really practiced and did our very best to make sure we would have our Gold back. When the result was being announced, everyone started walking back to their seats on the bus and all of us started crying.

I cried for the whole evening/night and then the next day in school. Theo and I cried in class and our teachers left us alone to cry, sleep and get over our results because they knew how much the results have affected the band members.

The disappointment and the shame to face our seniors, my express batch mates and the school. I would never forget these 2 times.

And if you've read everything from the start to this part of the post, you would probably have the answer in your mind that band isn't worth it. That you're lucky you didn't join band.

But, no. 

It's only because you aren't from band and that's why you do not know.
What non band members know are only what sucks about band, what I've mentioned above and what they see and infer about band.

And it is because (if) you aren't from band, you do know the good about it.

So then, what's my answer? If band is worth it?

Whenever someone asks me that question, it isn't all that I've mention above that I would first recall.

In fact, those which are mentioned above took me lots of time to think about and I had to "force" it out of my memory.

Because when someone asks me something like that, what I would recall wouldn't be how many times I've missed an outing but the friendships I've forged and the bond which I've made throughout the 5 years I've spent in band.

 It wouldn't be the number of times we got scolded, or the number of times we wanted to give up but what I would recall would be how we cried together, got scolded together, and the satisfaction and pride we felt after each performances that brought us closer together.

I wouldn't recall the number of times I felt frustrated but only the times I had fun during the practices, out of practices and during performances.

So if you ask me, is band worth it,

the answer is yes.

Definitely, yes.

Because more than all the fun, the friendships and experiences I've had in my whole 5 years,

The reason that the band is Swiss Winds, is more than enough a reason for me to tell you that it is worth it.

Because (if) you aren't from band, and more than that, because you aren't from Swiss Winds,

You would not know the honor of being able to keep your No.1 at home for the years you are serving in Swiss Winds. 

You would not come to know of the honor of having to put on not just your band uniform but the No.1 for all parades. 

You do not know the pride of being announced and thanked at every start and end of the performance/parade and being addressed as "The Band of the National Cadet Corp, Band of Swiss Cottage Secondary School, The Singapore Command Band, Swiss Winds"

You would not know the honor of being able to put on the peak cap and badge with the state's crest on it even though you're only 13-17years old.

You would not know the pride and honor of being able to perform for the ministers of the country and have them recognize the band.

And most of all,

because you aren't from band esp, not from Swiss Winds,

You wouldn't know of the satisfaction, the pride and the honor we get each time after a performance/parades despite the hard work and scoldings we get day to day.

Because just like a sports player that have trained hard just for a competition and the pride and sense of achievement he/she gets after winning a competition,

if you aren't a performer, or a band member, you wouldn't know how it feels like to have trained hard, have ulcers on your lips because you played to hard or had your lips bleed, you wouldn't know how it is like to have gone through all that I've mentioned just to know that you've put up a good show at the end of the performance and be standing on the stage, hearing all the applause from your audiences and feel proud about it.

Because you aren't from Swiss Winds,

you do not know.

Update: Last day of work at The Only Place, Timbre, Bugis and new workplace

So my last day of work at FEP #04-131 ended last Monday and it closed down just yesterday.

Enjoyed my time in the shop to the fullest, stepping bare foot on the grass carpet of my shop and going through the clothes and song selection one by one.

Then on Thursday, I met up with Shia and Fiona for some shopping at bugis before meeting Nais and John Lim for Timbre because Shushia wanted to go there.

Today, I was back at bugis again with Isabel.

So damn pissed with myself for buying two useless white tops. URGH.
We walked around bugis street for awhile, got bored and since I had to head down to FEP to collect the shop key from Joanne (my new boss from Outpost), Isabel and I decided to WALK from bugis to Orchard. (Yes, we have nothing better to do) but it was such a great experience and I felt so proud of myself. heheh. I'm pretty sure we're the only few in Singapore that have ever walked from Bugis to FEP so it's a great accomplishment!

Heading back to Swiss to support Swiss Winds for SYF tmr. I hope we really get back what we've lost.

This post is so lame, emo and boring.
I shall sleep.


OH. Anyway, this is greetings from me with my new hair cut.

Ciao