PURPOSE

It is only the norm for everyone who's born in this Earth as a human being to believe that they were created for a purpose.

No matter what your religion or race, you're just born to believe that there's a reason for you to be on this Earth. -Because of all the other thousands of sperm which were competing with you to reach the egg, you are the one who won the race.


I wonder how many of you here reading my blog have already found your purpose in life. Or how many of the people out there in the world who have yet figured out why they were even born in the first place.
Or am I the only one who's still struggling to find out what exactly am I created for.


Today, I once again, struggled with that thought. What's life when you do not know of any purpose you serve?


I used to have big dreams when I was young.

I wanted to be an artist; I loved drawing. I loved doing artwork. I wanted to draw pretty things and have people appreciate my handwork. I used to draw all kinds of stuffs and show them off to guests who comes to visit.
But I found out there were people who were better. And for them, it's plain talent. What's more, as I grew older, I started to dislike drawing. I don't know what happened, I haven't figured why. But I just don't draw anymore.

I wanted to be a lawyer (I really wanted this and dreamt about it for the longest time); I wanted to help people fight for justice. I believed that truth will always come to light and the good will always trample over evil.
But as I grew older, I realized this dream is almost unreachable since I have never put in as much effort in my studies that I need to in order to attain this dream. I have my parents telling me the qualifications that a lawyer needs when I was only in primary school. I tell myself it's impossible since I am unable to even focus and study so I gave up on this dream.

I wanted to be a doctor; I love bio! I loved it since I started learning it. You can take a look in my primary school's report book and you'll see all my teachers' remark about how they can see my passion and interest in science. I want to save lives, I didn't like to see/hear about people dying. I wanted to keep everyone alive.
But we all know I'm not some miracle worker and people eventually have to die. Even if I am, there'll be a problem of over population and I can't deal with death. What happens if I can't save a patient? I can't deal with what will come after. I can't even deal with my hamsters' death and cried 3 months. I decided being a doctor is not for me.

I wanted to be a policewoman; I figured since I can't be a superwoman, the next closest thing would be a policewoman since their job is pretty similar which is making sure that the world is safe.
But I'm not fit, and my emotions ALWAYS get the better of me. What happens if a thief steals some food and tells me he only stole it because his children are about to die of hunger at home and he couldn't find a job? Do I let him go? I don't know about that but I know I'm sure as hell gonna help him get a job. What happens if I'm too angry and I end up killing the murderer myself? Being a police isn't for me.

I wanted to be a teacher; not because I love to teach, not because I love kids but because I figured I would be able to reach out to teens like me and I wouldn't be like any other teachers I've met because my purpose of wanting to be a teacher isn't to teach but give students hope. Hope that they all have a purpose and no matter what circumstances they are in, all of them have an equal chance of doing well. That they do not have to care about what people say about them, that all they need to know is that I believe in every single one of them.
But a purpose of a teacher is to teach. And he/she should always have a passion for teaching.

I wanted to be a pastor; not that I am super holy. I'm not even a good proper Christian myself. For one thing, I don't even read the bible, I disrespect my cell group leader and even challenged and questioned her. But I do love God. That is, for sure. I just wanted to give people hope. To let them know that someone loves them.
But I don't study the bible. What if I can live upright and honest my whole life? And being a pastor does not earn me money.


When I entered into secondary school, people called me cheerful. They told me that seeing me all happy made them happy too.
I started believing that maybe my purpose in life is simply to make people happy. To cheer them up when they're down. To be there for them. And I held on tight to that purpose which I thought was the right one for me.
I managed to hold on to it well and always have people telling me how easily I can make them smile and cheer them up. But I'm no angel. I can't cheer everyone up. And I even made someone feel worse when he was down. I even remember me crying on my birthday both in sec1 and sec2 because people were sad and feeling unhappy on those day. Insane.


I want to believe that God do have great plans ahead of me. I want to believe I do have a purpose, a good one.
Yet, day in and day out, I've been waiting for so long to finally know my purpose that I'm starting to doubt, if I would even know my purpose after all.

I once told someone I feel like a good for nothing, don't tell me I'm being a drama queen when I only started believing that it might be the case when people were only out to bring me down and say nasty things about me just cause in band, my studies and everything else, I can't do well.

I told him it would probably be a good thing for me to donate my organs to someone else. Someone who's in need of it. He didn't answer me and just continued trying to motivate me in my studies. I wonder if he did that out of courtesy. That though he feels that I should, he doesn't say much just not to be crude.
But he doesn't understand how I feel. That if I give my life to someone who needs it more than me, he/she might cherish it better than me and use it to the fullest. Then at least, I feel purposeful.
Because though I'm a healthy body I'm good at nothing. What's worse is I'm not even determined. I don't give my all in everything I do. You get my reasoning, maybe from the start you're already agreeing with me.


Say I'm being overly dramatic. Maybe I am.
Maybe a few days later or years later I'll look back at this post and have a good laugh about how crazy I am.
But right now, at this point of time, I feel this ache. Maybe it's the disappointments built up over time. Maybe it's finally that I take a good look at myself and realize all my waiting and trying has come to naught. Maybe it's just the fact that my heart is aching because it knows the truth that I do have no purpose at all.

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