In the midst of everything, I realised those who used to be my close friends, were then, my true friends

2/10
I realised though I was over our whole friendship thing, I didn't want to commit to another friendship/clique.

There were times when we were angry/upset with each other. But one thing for sure, we were always true to each other. You would never let me get into a fight if it wasn't worth it. You would make sure that I'm being escorted back home and not cause a scene, while trying to talk sense into me. And if it was worth it, you would back me up like crazy. -Even if halfway through we all realised we might be losing.

We were our own wolf pack. We made each other feel safe and less vulnerable.
True friends are those can love you all the time without judgement. At least you girls can.

We're no longer together but what we had was irreplaceable.
And I wouldn't even want to try to replace.

"BUT IF YOU'RE CRYING, YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS GONNA MAKE YOU SMILE"

I honestly thought, you wouldn't talk to me after me not replying to your messages. I was rude, I know. But I couldn't help myself because I didn't know what to say, and I didn't feel like trying. 

But today, I woke up to the non stop vibration from my phone because of your ultra long wa messages (probably the longest text I've ever received in 3years). 

And I'm sorry, for again, not really responding to you even though I could feel how genuine you were. I really wanted to tell you what's happening, everything. But I couldn't, I was tired, and though I did try and make an effort to express how thankful I was/am, I lost all words the moment I was about to type something. 

I just don't know what to say.

And still, you didn't give up fighting for me to let me know how much you love me and you went on Facebook to remind me how things will get better. 

Y'knw what, you actually did make me feel better :) 

I was at work today and my boss said "oh I'm finally getting my Charman back" and I really felt a whole lot better today. 

There's so much I want to express to you and I really want to tell you what's wrong. I want to tell Evan what's wrong, but I can't. Because nobody will understand and I'm tired of trying to explain myself to other people to be disappointed because nobody understands. -But today, I found someone who did and because she understood me and was able to help me "translate" everything I've been feeling and string them into sentences, I'm now able to articulate my thoughts better.

The past 2 weeks were crazy. There was so much I wanted to express but I couldn't do it at all. It's like I lost my ability to communicate my feelings. Everytime I try to express myself, I just lose my ability to find the right words. And each time when I wanted to tweet or even text you/Evan, I look at my keypad with so much in my head but I just don't know how to put them down into words so I ended up deleting whatever I've typed on twitter and in my message to you. 

I'm sorry I took so long to give you a proper reply. This took me the whole of today. It's just so hard now cause 2 weeks ago I was crying every single day for a week and I didn't know what's wrong with me. I was just tired and really disappointed. 2 weeks ago, I felt like I can no longer do this anymore. 2 weeks ago, it felt like if I am ever going to be disappointed again, my heart would break and I would die. 2 weeks ago, I decided to shut everybody out. Including the ones I really really love, the ones whom I once said I never want to lose, the ones who are really important to me. You, Evan and Joshua. And together with that, I somehow lost the ability to express my feelings. And I somehow didn't know how or what to feel anymore.

But I am grateful. Because you fought for me and tried to pull me back even when everyone else decided to give up on me because I didn't feel like helping myself, because I didn't reply them. You kept to your end of the promise and you put down your pride and do whatever you can to get me back. To remind me that you love me and you care for me no matter how much I try to push you away. And because of that, I decided I should make an effort to pick myself up too. 

I'm sorry I have this habit of disappearing and shutting people out but it's because I needed to know if my absence would actually make a difference to the people who are important to me. So many people left me so easily, they made me feel like I never did. And I don't know how to care about people without taking on all their problems. I don't know how not to attach myself to people. And I don't know what's wrong with me, or if the problem really lies with me; why, everyone whom I've ever loved, left me at one point or another. My friend told me that maybe it wasn't my love or me but the quality of people I'm loving. But I couldn't believe it. Because it felt like everyone found a reason to leave me. And I'm sorry I have this bad habit of bashing myself up when things goes wrong even though sometimes it isn't my fault. 

I love you so much and I once I recover from this, pick myself up and find myself again, I promise to give you all the life you deserve, and the times when you don't deserve. Because you deserve all the love in the world. 

And because you loved me when I made myself unlovable.

Mind Over Matter

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" well, you're not sorry and I'm not sorry for not having you back so kindly stop wasting "efforts" and drop your act.

I'm so glad my vision's cleared, "friends forever" are just some words; spoken too soon and mean so little. Time will tell they say- when tough times come you see who's near, my dear friend, you're no longer here.

And people always say it's mind over matter.

Cause I don't mind as you no longer matter. 

You either take advantage or be taken advantage of

My best friend once told me this 

"If you depend on others for your own happiness, you're in for a world of disappointment after disappointment."

How true this is...

I have always placed my friends above everything else in my life. Always.

And thought maybe just like how I've placed them above everything else, it'll be the same for them or I'll at least be one of their priority or something. 

But growing up especially during the past (almost) 2 years, I realized all those silly quotes about friendship are just plain bullshit. 

Friends are NOT always there for you and WILL NOT do anything they can in their power to help you up when you're down.

Friends like to make all kinds of promises like "Cheer up, I'm always here for you"

But just how many times have you felt like you've got no one to go to/there's no one there for you when you're down?

"I'm always here for you" doesn't always mean that way. Very often, when that promise/statement is made, it is made under underlying terms like:

1) If I'm not lazy to send you a text

2) If I am not sad myself

3) If I can be bothered enough. etc.

And it all comes down to one thing: CONVENIENCE.

I said this years ago,

True friends aren't friends who are there just because it's convenient.

True friends are friends who are there even when it's inconvenient.

True friends are friends who would be there for you when you're crying over a breakup etc at 4am.

They are the ones who would rush down to where you are when you're so upset, you can't seem to get up. They are the ones who would take time out just to accompany you because they know you're afraid of being alone. They're the ones who would be there, even when being there doesn't exactly profit them  and isn't convenient at all. 

But sadly, these are just MY opinion of what true friends are.

And I realized more often than not, friends are only "true friends" when it is convenient for them to do so. 

They only send you a cheer up text because they have their phone on hand and have nothing to attend to. They only ask you out because they have spare time and have nothing much to do. They are only there because they need you.

Just how often have we come across people who would send us a message to tell us to cheer up, telling us that they will be here for us then for the next few days, weeks or months, we wouldn't hear from them?

I mean, if they're truly here for you and care for you, wouldn't they check on you daily till they are sure you are okay? 

They don't do that because it is too much effort, they have no time and it is inconvenient. 

Despite all that, we often force ourselves to get over it and forgive. 

Because as much as we dislike how "fake"/insincere our "true friends" can be, we need them.

 So, how long should we hold on?

How nice should we be till it's alright for us not to be nice anymore?

I used to act like a total bitch in the past. And I've changed. Here's proof.

If you were to ask me if I've ever regretted becoming nice, my answer would be yes.

Because when you're mean and very much like a bitch, you have a heart of stone and you don't feel much; For anyone or anything. You wouldn't let anyone take advantage of you. People usually, wouldn't dare disappoint you. Basically, you hardly lose out at all.

And being nice, people just take advantage of you A LOT.

I don't even wish to elaborate because the list would be never ending. You're just someone that people like to take advantage of. PERIOD

So then, why did I change?

Because, PEOPLE.

I became nice because people were first nice to me when I was at the lowest point of my life.

And sad to say,
It's usually only when people have gone through "suffering" then will they start to become nice. Because they know how it feels like to be disappointed, betrayed, criticized etc.

What am I really saying?
I'm asking for you, not to stop being nice.

WHAT!!?!?!?
DID YOU READ IT CLEAR?
YES, I ASKED FOR YOU NEVER TO STOP BEING NICE

Evan once asked me what's the good of being nice. All you get is to be taken advantage of. And I couldn't think of an answer why should she continue being nice. So I told her, to be nice because she's the person that people think of when problem arises.
What a stupid answer!?!?!


But at the bottom of my heart, I so much want to say, because it was her being nice that kinda make me want to be nice. It was how she always listened to my problems and the little things she did for me that made me feel a lot better when I'm down and that's why, I told myself I wanted to be nice too. Because just like how I felt she was my "hero" the only one I can go to with all my problems without her judging me, I wanted to be the same for others too.

Your actions do influence others.

So don't stop being nice.
If not, how would people people know what kindness can actually do for them?
How would they know kindness if you don't show it to them first?

But kindness is not meekness.
You can be kind, yet strong.

So how long should you hold on?
You should stop holding on when you feel things aren't worth it anymore.

Things will always depreciate in value. You buy a watch and use it, it loses it's value. But once the watch starts getting moldy and instead of helping you tell time, it starts giving you infection/skin problems on your wrist, it's time to throw it and get a new one.

Just like friendships, once people start taking advantage of you, pulling you down, once they start to become the negative energy in your life, it's time to put them down.

You'll NEVER get out of the same cycle if you continue staying in it.

Sometimes we forget that the way to remove ourselves from the same old cycle or a certain situation is simply just to get out and let go.

And I'm not asking you to cut them off.
What I'm saying is to stop holding on to them so tightly as before like better ones won't come at all.

This is,
 self-respect.

Don't use your time thinking about people/on people who aren't worth it at all. Stop sulking because of them, let go and get out. Be there for them, be kind to them, but don't waste your time on them.
The most precious thing you can give to people is your time. And if they are not giving you their time, don't give it to them at all.


You either take advantage or be taken advantage of.

But you can also choose not to believe in neither.
Because kindness is not meekness and if you understand this, you'll be the winner of it all.

It's funny how we say we'll never let a friendship go

“Sometimes they change

From bad to worse;

Can that happen

In reverse?

People I’ve known,

Ones I’ve outgrown,

Is it likely that they could have

Broken the curse?

I always consider

That people may change…

But change for the better

Became rather strange

Though I wonder with care,

I’m just not too aware

If the bullets ran out

Or I’m just out of range”

Ground Zero by Jeremiah Gammell

And I honestly miss how close we used to be. But 5 turns to 4, 4 turns to 2. Now we're not close anymore, thanks for closing the door. Unresponsive friendship/relationships are the hardest to deal.

I remember how I was once depressed over the break up, you girls never saw me so upset over a breakup before. I cried so much and was feeling down for days. And I remember how you girls decided to give me a surprise on Friday, 24th 2010. You girls lifted me up when I was down, cheer me up when I all that was on my face was a frown, built me up when I stumbled onto the ground. I'm upset, I'm affected so much I can't get my work done, I can't go to sleep. But now, I've been feeling sad for days, I'm about to break down, tell me where are you girls now.

Chuang Charman ‏@kissonyou5h

我不关心我们多久不见面。我关心的事我们的心便。

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6:29 PM - 8 May 13 · Details

“I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.”

IS BAND WORTH IT?

People have always asked me what I have gotten out of joining band and giving 5 years of my life to it.
Having to go for band practices every Tuesday, Friday and half of my Saturdays and sometimes, even to have my whole Saturday robbed off because of performances and parades that can last all the way to 1am in the night.

Ultimately, I have always been asked this question.

IS IT EVEN WORTH IT?

I will start recalling those times I had to compromise and give up going out with friends especially when I have parades or performances on Saturdays. Times when my friends had to compromise and change the date of an outing because I had band. 

There were also times when I felt frustrated with my conductor, my band and section because we couldn't play a phrase of a piece well. Times when I felt like giving up because I couldn't get my embouchure right, because I couldn't play jazz as well as my batch mates and other times because I couldn't pitch a certain high note.

In fact, I didn't like sectionals. I dragged it. It was a time for me and my section to see how lousy I am and for my juniors to see how much better they were than me as their senior. There were times when I just felt tired and didn't feel like attending band during lower sec years.

I remember the political conflicts and fights my seniors had when I was in lower sec. And NEVER ONCE would there be NO quarrels and NO one crying during every AGM (Annual General Meeting).

And out of the all 4 times I cried really badly, 2 times were because of band. Twice were for the same reason, SYF results.

The first was in 2009 when I was in Sec 3. It was the first silver Swiss Winds had ever gotten. 

I remember crying the whole evening/night after knowing the result. Jieqi and I went crying from Yewtee for hours to CCK to meet Lynette, Jingyin and the rest who were also crying. 

Then the next day back in school when the majors had to announce the results to the whole school I cried again. I cried for the whole day and I cried as I ran ET. Ms Ho was my form teacher and she had to stop me from running in case of dehydration. 

I cried for a week and slowly after that, because of my friendships and relationship problems, Ms Ho and the rest of the teachers thought I had spiraled into depression.

And I cried not because I thought we deserved a gold. In fact, even though I know we don't deserve it, I was still secretly hoping the judges would close an eye and give us the gold not because we did well but because we had never gotten a silver. I cried because it was the first silver Swiss Winds had ever gotten and I know how the alumnus would be disappointed. 

The second time was in 2011 when I was in sec 5. This time, we were all on bus, excited and happy to hear the results. I think it was Winston who had the phone with him and had put it on loudspeaker. At the other side of the line, it was a few of the council members at SCH waiting for the results to be announced. We were so damn sure we would be awarded Gold. 

Everyone was in high hopes that we would be able to get the Gold that we lost back and reinstate our band as a Gold/with honors band. And we were so confident because we really practiced and did our very best to make sure we would have our Gold back. When the result was being announced, everyone started walking back to their seats on the bus and all of us started crying.

I cried for the whole evening/night and then the next day in school. Theo and I cried in class and our teachers left us alone to cry, sleep and get over our results because they knew how much the results have affected the band members.

The disappointment and the shame to face our seniors, my express batch mates and the school. I would never forget these 2 times.

And if you've read everything from the start to this part of the post, you would probably have the answer in your mind that band isn't worth it. That you're lucky you didn't join band.

But, no. 

It's only because you aren't from band and that's why you do not know.
What non band members know are only what sucks about band, what I've mentioned above and what they see and infer about band.

And it is because (if) you aren't from band, you do know the good about it.

So then, what's my answer? If band is worth it?

Whenever someone asks me that question, it isn't all that I've mention above that I would first recall.

In fact, those which are mentioned above took me lots of time to think about and I had to "force" it out of my memory.

Because when someone asks me something like that, what I would recall wouldn't be how many times I've missed an outing but the friendships I've forged and the bond which I've made throughout the 5 years I've spent in band.

 It wouldn't be the number of times we got scolded, or the number of times we wanted to give up but what I would recall would be how we cried together, got scolded together, and the satisfaction and pride we felt after each performances that brought us closer together.

I wouldn't recall the number of times I felt frustrated but only the times I had fun during the practices, out of practices and during performances.

So if you ask me, is band worth it,

the answer is yes.

Definitely, yes.

Because more than all the fun, the friendships and experiences I've had in my whole 5 years,

The reason that the band is Swiss Winds, is more than enough a reason for me to tell you that it is worth it.

Because (if) you aren't from band, and more than that, because you aren't from Swiss Winds,

You would not know the honor of being able to keep your No.1 at home for the years you are serving in Swiss Winds. 

You would not come to know of the honor of having to put on not just your band uniform but the No.1 for all parades. 

You do not know the pride of being announced and thanked at every start and end of the performance/parade and being addressed as "The Band of the National Cadet Corp, Band of Swiss Cottage Secondary School, The Singapore Command Band, Swiss Winds"

You would not know the honor of being able to put on the peak cap and badge with the state's crest on it even though you're only 13-17years old.

You would not know the pride and honor of being able to perform for the ministers of the country and have them recognize the band.

And most of all,

because you aren't from band esp, not from Swiss Winds,

You wouldn't know of the satisfaction, the pride and the honor we get each time after a performance/parades despite the hard work and scoldings we get day to day.

Because just like a sports player that have trained hard just for a competition and the pride and sense of achievement he/she gets after winning a competition,

if you aren't a performer, or a band member, you wouldn't know how it feels like to have trained hard, have ulcers on your lips because you played to hard or had your lips bleed, you wouldn't know how it is like to have gone through all that I've mentioned just to know that you've put up a good show at the end of the performance and be standing on the stage, hearing all the applause from your audiences and feel proud about it.

Because you aren't from Swiss Winds,

you do not know.

It’s scary how people leave scars on you; how certain people will never really vanish from the thoughts in your mind.

Heyloooooooo.
I've been really busy... (just realized my past few posts always start's with "I've been really busy" so I shall skip it) OK.

My Test 2 are finally coming to an end on Monday and 
I AM SO DAMN EXCITED
FOR
CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!!!!!
*throws confetti*

Can't wait to collect all my red packets and increase the digits in my new bank account.

I've been trying to save up my new bank account to go on a trip to bkk this March/April but it doesn't seem like it's happening anytime soon ):
Just this week I spent $70 to purchase a pair of shorts from Nastygal and also another $100 on food. I don't know what I've been eating lah! GOLD!!?!?!

Anyway, I surfing the net yesterday when I decided to visit some of my friend's blog which i haven't visited in a longgggg time (cause I forgot the url) and which got me to remember my wordpress.

There was this period of time when I got kinda sick of blogger and decided that I wanted to move to wordpress which I didn't in the end because there were too many limitations and I preferred blogger way more... I eventually ended up using that space to pour out my feelings in 2009 because I couldn't spill them all out here.

NO ONE knew about the wordpress except Clarence who I think had nothing to do and decided to type "chharmanchh" with different blog domains which lead him to find my wordpress. NOT ONLY THAT, HE MANAGED TO CRACK ONE OF THE PASSWORD AND VIEWED ONE OF MY POSTS.

Anyhowz,
I decided to go and take a look there and re read my posts. I must say ALL of them were quite silly and stupid. HAHAH. However, that doesn't take away the fact that I was really depressed at that point of time when I wrote those posts.
While I was re reading them, it sorta reminded me of how depressed I was and I think it's probably because I was too depressed that time that those post were so silly and didn't really make a lot of sense?!?!!?

Still, re reading that post made realized how happy I am now and that I would NEVER, NEVER EVER want to feel the same way again. I LITERALLY FELT LIKE SHIT. I FELT FOOLISH AND STUPID.  And never would I forget how I felt at the point of time and how shitty people made me feel.

Things may change but it still doesn't cancel out all that have happened in the past and how you would still be affected even for the slightest bit when you think about them again. And what we can do is just to carry those scars along with us for the rest of our lives, trying not to think about them and accepting the fact that it can never be removed. That doesn't mean we will be less happy though. I think we can all still be happy but just less perfect.

But since these were things from the past and as I mentioned, we should all accept our scars, I decided that my wordpress shouldn't be kept a secret anymore. Not as if I'm still using it anyway. And before you can even view the posts, you have to know the password for it and that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna tell you the password. NO I'M JUST JOKING.

I shall give hints on the password and people who are close to me would probably be able to guess it if they try hard enough. heheh.

There are 2 different password as the posts are about 2 different people. The people who hurt me the most in 2009 that was in sec 3 *hint hint*
Only one post is about friendship and it's the name of a person *hint hint*
And those on my feelings (okay lah actually all on my feelings but I just feel grossed out to say "love")
And those on my relationship would be a short form of a sentence.
The short form is kinda like a secret code (Not really secret though) But the letters are really easy to guess. *hintttt max*


OKAY, GO FIGURE HERE! :P
Tell me if you've successfully unlocked it okay!

THE TRICK TO GRACEFUL EXIT

1mChuang Charman ‏@kissonyou

“Do you know what’s the mark of people worth keeping in your life? When you become impossible, yet they stay.”

Expand4m

5mChuang Charman ‏@kissonyou

Damaging and destroying relationships you thought you could never lose. And realized bcuz of your stupid actions, you’re all alone.

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7mChuang Charman ‏@kissonyou

“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.” —J.K. Rowling Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

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9mChuang Charman ‏@kissonyou

"Liars. If they know you so incredibly well, why haven’t they known all this time? Why do they always see scars and no blood?"

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I wish I had own a heart so big, so huge and I can keep embracing all of you over and over again without feeling unimportant but I can't. I can't do it when I don't feel like I'm being loved back.


“There’s a trick to the ‘graceful exit.’ It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.” — Ellen Goodman

I MISS HOW THINGS USED TO BE

 I was at my pit and you girls came to save me and slowly brought me out of it.

Then came Shushia and we got together on this very day. 

21/03/2010

I remember this very day when we went out together the very first time. And we were so excited about meeting then. We didn't have to plan things for very long and every time someone asked to meet up we would be so "on".

Our first Kbox session was at Jurong Safra. We weren't so crazy as the second or third time but I remember Theo and I being so excited we screamed and shouted into the mic and people outside actually looked in and wondered what we were doing inside.

We enjoyed each other's company so much, we hung out practically everyday after school and chose the venue to hang out by our self created multiple choice.

Monday is Theo's to choose, Tuesday is mine, Wednesday is Shushia's, Thursday is Fiona's and Friday is Yanting's.

We would always plan random surprises and pranks.

Remember the first time when Shushia was depressed and tweeted stuffs about her being upset. We were so worried about her we decided to surprise her by going up to her place. It was so funny, within 30mins, we met each other at CCK and went down to her estate NOT KNOWING EXACTLY WHERE she's staying. We looked for Marcus's contact and many other people we could think of to ask about her address and finally, we managed to get to her house and found out she was actually alright and eating an apple in her room.
-_-

That was us then, we didn't care about our convenience, we didn't care about how stupid we would be or how our plan might not work out. We cared about one another more than anything else and made that effort, free up our time to be there for each other.

The same year during lantern festival, you girls planned a surprise for me at CCK to cheer me up. You girls didn't care about being able to enjoy yourselves or if you had to spend money for my gift. You girls just went all the way out and put in that effort to see me smile again. I miss that.

And how random we would be like once Theo and I pranked Fiona about Theo falling down and being upset. Fiona was about to rush out of her house when she found the 2 of us just at the staircase outside her corridor.

The first time we caught a movie together was such a interesting experience for the 4 of you. I finally gave in to watching a movie especially a horror movie because we wanted to spend time together.

We caught Insidious and the first thing I did was to put my ear piece on when we got into the cinema. You girls made such a big fuss out of that and it was so funny. And I was so bored in the movie, I threw pop corns at other people. I remember Fiona squeaking like a pig and I couldn't take it and told her to shut up. LOL. And at the most thrilling part of the movie, I was so bored I kept asking you girls if any of you wanted pop corns. HAHAH. You girls rejected me so many times and used your jackets to cover your faces. DAMN FUNNY. Totally ruined the mood of the scary movie and we ended up laughing in the cinema together. When I laughed a couple at the back even asked if I was laughing or crying. LOL

Remember then, and now. How have things changed. I think the only difference only difference is that there were more of "us" and less of "me".

I miss how important each and everyone in the clique meant to us and how we would try and try to make sure things are alright. How we cared for one another more than ourselves.

We loved each other's company so much then. We were able to give up and free our time. We didn't care about our pride and we would always care for one another even though it's just a sad tweet we would show our concern and ask "why? what happened?".

Things are just so different now.
I miss how it used to be, those random textes to make sure we knew we were there for one another, those random pranks and surprises, those outings and time we would find to free ourselves to hang out together and those pride we put down because we loved each other.

Now we're tweeting but no one's listening, we are sometimes hurt, tweet about it but others are rarely caring.
How have things come to this stage?
And if I said "please" could we all make an effort to start all over again?

I searched up our blogs and looked at the post about us. And kept repeating in my mind was "What about now? What about now?"
I'm down on my knees. Tell me it's still worth it.